I'm actually really excited to be writing tonight, and it makes my heart happy to sit down by my Christmas lights with quiet music playing to reflect on how far God has brought me the past few months. I have learned so many things, endured my fair share of hardships, and had to have some difficult correction. I'm genuinely smiling as I think about the truths and growth I'm about to share with ya'll. Buckle up, friends. I'm ready to tell you about how good God is right quick.
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Right away this semester I knew God had something crazy awesome in store for me. I was coming into the semester as a new RA and part of my friend group had moved into another dorm. I had a vocal position on the Ozark worship team Frontline and I knew it would be lots of work but I was super ready to sing with a worship team again! I was starting to think about graduation and I knew that I would need to begin making some tentative future plans for the next year and making an idea of what my summer and final semester would look like next fall. I had lots on my plate, but I never expected things to go the way they did.
It was only the first week when I was hit hard with some serious insecurities and lies. Being on campus a full week early to get the dorms ready and prep everyone's rooms and prepare the theme for the year was exhausting. I had a great team of RAs to work with, but each day I battled with lies of whether or not I was doing enough to help, if they even wanted me there, and if I was even going to be good at the job I had been chosen for. I felt very insecure and unsure of myself that first week. The only thing I knew I would be completely confident and bold in that week was moving everyone's heavy boxes and furniture up the stairs. (Working for a contractor all summer and driving big work trucks gives you a new level of confidence with heavy things you didn't have before.) That first week was a challenge, but it ended up trickling into the first 2-3 weeks of classes. I was so burnt out by the time week 2 finished that I felt done and scared and alone.
I already wrote in my previous post about how I spent most of my time alone at the beginning of the semester because of schedules, but that time alone was so beneficial in the long run. I started to use that time to talk with God and spend more time with Him. I wanted to be as intentional in getting to know Him as I would in a future relationship- that was my main goal and it changed my relationship with Him entirely.
Before 3 full weeks of classes had even been completed, I found myself really battling with lies and insecurity on Frontline. I didn't feel as though I fit in with anybody, I was struggling to find any joy in what I was usually so in love with, and I was dealing with so much fear that had come back into my life that I couldn't even make it through one day without breaking down in tears when I got back to my room. I had kept all the emotions, insecurities, fears, and lies bottled up in my mind for so long without sharing what I was going through that I crashed hard.
One of my friends came into my room while I was crying and she sat with me and listened to my mumbled, tear-filled words as I expressed how afraid I was in life at that moment. I didn't feel good enough, I was terrified of losing people in my life I loved and cared about, and I felt frustrated with not experiencing the Holy Spirit the way some of my other friends did. What was I doing wrong that I couldn't feel the same way they did? I wanted to feel like God was sitting beside me when I prayed. . . Instead, He felt far away.
My friend looked me right in the eyes and told me "Sarah. You're doing too much. You need to let something go and just rest. . ." I had let the business of life and the chaos of my commitments overwhelm me to the point where I couldn't even see the truth of God's Word anymore. When I would wake up feeling instantly fearful and go to bed trembling because of worry, I knew something had to be done.
I have dealt with this on and off for 5 years and this was the time I knew I had to figure out what was going on and I was going to take steps to draw closer to God and walk past this terrible burden I had carried since my junior year of high school when anxiety first crept into the crevices of my life and took over my peace and confidence.
Later that week I ended up stepping down from my position on Frontline and telling my team I wouldn't be able to continue being on the team with them. I cried, and I remember leaving the chapel after that practice and driving out in the countryside for an hour with my radio off talking to Jesus. I felt at peace, but still under attack. I made it back to the dorm and fell asleep curled up next to one of my friends while she did homework. I was just done and so weak emotionally and spiritually I needed rest unlike any other rest.
Fast forward a few days to a Saturday evening when it was dark and there was a thunderstorm rolling in. Lots of people were out doing things, and I had gone into my room and closed the dorm, shut the lights off, and opened my window to hear the storm. It was completely quiet and still around me. I stood by the window for 45 minutes trying to quiet my thoughts and still my mind. It took 45 minutes for me to feel as though my thoughts weren't going crazy in my head. Finally, I sat down on the bed and looked at the pretty tree and the leaves blowing in the wind. There were stars starting to pop through the branches and the breeze felt so good. Every few minutes there would be thunder and maybe a tiny flash of lightning. I began to talk to God and open up completely about my feelings. . .
I told Him I was frustrated that I was so afraid in life. I thought He gave me peace, and I thought Satan gave fear and anxiety? So if I was doing things that were to worship God and serve other people, why was I so afraid about everything to the point it paralyzed me? I sat there for so long talking to Him and crying. Finally, I felt this sense of peace, truth, and the chaos calmed down.
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Fast forward 2 months and I have discovered that those 2 hours of intentional time with God brought me a major stepping stone to the journey of moving beyond living in the lies to living in the truth. God made sense of the chaos and gave me a new sense of who He is in my life. I began to seek Him on a whole new level and had a desire to grow in ways I never had before. My quiet time at night and in the morning turned into sweet time where it was just me and God and the distractions of the world were gone. I began to soak in His truth so that I could let it affect my life and my heart. I started to see how the promises in the Bible could change how I view myself and the future.
Rather than focusing on the fear I wanted to overcome and dwelling on how upset I was that I didn't feel like I could live life normally because of fear. . . One of my best friends told me "Sarah, rather than focusing on where you are, focus on God and where you want to be." Within a week I noticed an incredible difference in the way I carried myself and how I let myself think. I had retrained my mindset to focus on God and what He said rather than on what Satan was trying to lead me astray with. Another one of my friends reminded me that the lies Satan uses are truths that are so subtly twisted that we barely realize they're lies before we let them into our hearts.
In order to recognize if something is from God or from the enemy, we need to know the voice of truth for ourselves. I began reading the Bible and taking note of who God says He is and who He says I am. He is a promise keeper. He is in control. He does not keep any good thing from those who love Him. He is my protector. I can trust Him. He LOVES me. . . He LOVES me. . . I think that one was the most difficult for me to truly let change my heart. He LOVES me. . . If He loves me, then that means I'm worth loving and I need to see myself worthy of that. The insecurities slowly began to fade away as I targeted every single one with truth bombs. When I felt inadequate to be an RA for my floor He would remind me that He is with us wherever we go and I can do all things through His strength in me. When I felt afraid of what the future might hold He reminded me that He has already seen my future and He is molding me for it, preparing me for what is to come so that I am ready. This practice was difficult for me because I had to be completely honest with myself about how I was viewing God and my identity at the time, but now I can usually catch the lies before they're even a complete sentence in my mind. It's beautiful and I want everyone to be able to experience that.
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Other truths I have learned involve what it looks like to trust God with our worries. If I am praying to God and asking Him to take care of something, help me through something, or provide for something. . . then when I pray I need to surrender it and stop thinking about it. If I trust God the way I say I do, then when I pray I believe God will do what He says He will. Prayer is handing off the problems and requests to God because He is God and we are not. He can handle it when we cannot. Isn't it freeing and encouraging to know we don't have to plan out our lives? We would make a mess of things, but God is a masterful artist who does not make anything less than wonderful. We can plan our days and long for the future, but God is the one who ultimately makes our plans a reality. We plan our way but He establishes our steps. . . What a promising verse!
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This is a whole lot of rambling from my mind (Sorry- I'm sick and don't have a voice. . . so I'm making up for it with typing up everything I wasn't able to speak today)
I mean what I say when I hope and pray that everyone I come into contact with is able to experience this same joy and freedom that comes from knowing who God is and then knowing who we are in Him. It changes your life and it brings you to a new level of trusting Him in your daily life and in the future plans you make for yourself.
Obviously I'm not a perfect Christian and I will never claim to be, but I am so excited to continue to grow in this way. If I've learned all this in only 2 months, I can't wait to see what else He is going to teach me this semester.
~Sarah Joy
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