Hey all! It's been a while since I wrote something here, and I'm here to let you in on the past few months of my life. Are you ready? Ok, buckle up because it's a bit of a bumpy ride. . .
Have you ever been at a place in your life where things are so good you start to forget how you got to that place of peace? Have you ever been so focused on where you are now that you forgot who brought you there? Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you start to take for granted the story you have to tell?
I have. I'm in that place right now.
If I'm going to be brutally honest, I have been taking for granted the story of deliverance that God gave me to share with others. My battle with depression over the past few years was able to come to a close as He shut those doors and carried me through the battle I was in. Yet, for some reason, when life continued to get better and better I thought I was done growing and was fine on my own. I hadn't given up on trusting God, and I hadn't given up on praising Him for what He had done in my life, but I had come to a point where I figured I was pretty well off now and didn't need to continue asking for strength and guidance. I figured I had pretty well found my way to where I was supposed to be. Then one afternoon the holy spirit convicted me. You know when you walk into a glass door because you didn't see it? Yeah, like that.
I was sitting at my desk in my dorm room when I felt this sense that the holy spirit was trying to tell me something. This isn't something I experienced much, not since the Challenge Conference in 2016. While I was experiencing this I stood up and began to ponder what thoughts were coming to my head. I had this sense that God was telling me the next semester was going to be one that would stretch and grow me. I'm not kidding you, last semester was a breeze and I felt so great I thought I had it all figured out. You can say I got a little hot-headed about the place I was in at that point.
I went through the next week not thinking about it too much, until certain things began to happen. I had been praying about taking steps in a certain direction for a long time, and because I never seemed to hear anything I figured it was an "okay" from God to move forward. The crazy part was this: as soon as I was about to step towards this thing I thought God wanted for me, it slipped through my fingers and something even better appeared in its place. This was something I would never have thought about, if I'm being honest. This was a direction I didn't think God wanted me to go in.
I continued to finish out my semester strong and moved back home for Christmas break. While I was home some changes happened in my life that brought me to a place of joy, anticipation, and also anxiety. The steps I felt God urging me to take began to make me feel a sense of nervousness and anxiousness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I remember one night during Christmas break praying to God, "God, why are you bringing the past back to me? Why can't I just have this right now?"
That's when I moved back to school and it hit me right in the face. I thought I had moved past my struggle with depression and anxiety, but it turns out that that was not entirely true. When God led me to this new path that I hadn't even realized were there, He used that situation to help me see that my anxiety was not something that had gone away and I needed help. My depression was somewhat circumstantial, and through that journey God was able to strengthen me and grow me into the person I am now. However, it hadn't yet occurred to me that He was shaping me into who I am now so that I would be ready for the even more challenging battle I am facing currently.
For the past month I have been facing the most severe anxiety I have ever faced. Feeling like I am constantly trapped by my own thoughts of fear and the unknown is not easy when you're trying to navigate being 6 hours away from home and tackling 17 credit hours as well as multiple volunteer opportunities during the week. God gave me the warning that this semester would be a challenge for me, and I was not prepared for this.
I'm not going to lie about this, it has been incredibly rough. Trying to explain to people that I am not stressed out because of school and the workload is difficult. As a college student all your stress should come from homework and assignments, right? That's not the case for me. My anxiety comes from anything and everything, except school (weird, huh?) Most of the time it's things I love and enjoy that cause me the strongest feelings of hopelessness.
After weeks of feeling like I was in a hopeless maze of never being able to enter a phase of life I had a strong desire for, I continuously cried out to God, asking Him to remove this terrible feeling from me. My eyes were so fogged over with the terrible situation I was in that I was missing what God was doing around me.
I signed up for a 1 credit seminar for this semester that would certify me for Mental Health First Aid and teach me all about mental illnesses and how to help those in crisis. The crazy part was, while I was sitting in this seminar, God opened my eyes to show me the reason I was in that classroom. It wasn't just to learn about mental illnesses as a counseling major. It wasn't just for the 1 credit to add to my degree. While the professor talked through anxiety, he asked a question, and while students gave different answers one asked, "could overthinking cause a panic attack?" This may not seem like a crazy occurrence to anyone reading this blog, but to me, a thousand lightbulbs went off in my brain. What's even more crazy was that the answer the professor gave opened a million doors for me to begin to find out why all this anxiety had come back stronger than ever.
My professor talked briefly after that question about how ruminating (constantly thinking of worrying thoughts and overwhelming yourself) can send you into different forms of panic attacks. It all made sense. I'm never able to shut off my brain, and when certain things happen to me in life, I can't shut my thoughts off. When I'm anxious or worried about something, or even more when I'm fearful about something, I think about every possible angle and detail of that situation. I ruminate until I send myself into an anxiety attack and I can't talk any sense into myself. I focus on where the feelings could be coming from and find any and every reason to be anxious rather than concentrating on how to calm myself down and focusing on things that are real.
Some people deal with severe panic attacks, and I'm not talking those down at all. While my anxiety is mainly thought focused, I do have some minor physical anxiety attacks where my breathing increases, I can become slightly shaky, and I may even begin to have heat flashes (or cold flashes) depending on the opposing weather outside.
This isn't normal. I thought I was the only one who ever experienced this and I didn't think anyone would understand or know what was going on. I figured there was no helping it and I was stuck dealing with it forever. My fears were irrational and I had psychoanalyzed every detail so deeply that the only conclusion I could come up with was that God was telling me I was doing wrong things and was being punished.
I had different relationships fall apart and end because I was convinced that all this anxiety must be God telling me to leave it all because I felt anxious and nervous about everything. Looking back now, that was not so. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I didn't know that I wasn't the only one who felt trapped by thoughts.
After experiencing so much growth over the past year when I felt free from depression and anxiety, I was able to gain a better grasp on how to know if something I feel or hear is God or the devil. It's scary, but when you realize you're in a spiritual battle you understand the intensity of the situation you're facing. But what's even more intense is you realize just how BIG your God is!
It didn't take me long after my seminar to begin understanding what was going on. That following week for dorm devotions we spoke about mental health awareness and what to do about certain situations we face. By the end of that devotion God had made it very clear to me that this semester had been entirely planned out by Him to the very last detail.
By going to the Mental Health First Aid seminar I was able to learn I am not alone and what I deal with is common, and THERE IS A CURE AND HELP FOR ME. I began to understand what I dealt with and took continued steps for healing. After devotions that night I had an open door to seeking out additional help. I was able to go and speak with a pastoral counselor on campus who gave me some much needed spiritual encouragement. Beyond that, I also received resources beyond that for help with anxiety and options for recovery. I cried. I'm not lying, I was so overwhelmed with God's goodness and deliverance I just sat down and cried. The past few weeks leading up to that had been so hard, and I had begun to lose ahold of things I cared deeply about, simply because my anxiety had become so severe I didn't think I could ever enjoy those things in life.
After spending 2 weeks praying from the moment I woke up to the moment I would go to bed at night, because I didn't feel like I could cope on my own, God continued to open doors and lead me while I was stumbling along. There is a fantastic clinic 15 minutes away from my college that I am going to go to this upcoming week. I'll be able to talk to a licensed counselor and figure out what's going on, and in addition I will be able to get some medication to gain control of my thoughts and to calm my body down when it wants to overreact to situations.
I was terrified when I realized I am to the point where I need help beyond self-help and a change in diet or exercise. God brought me to a place where I would be directed to incredibly smart people who know what they are doing and can help me with my anxiety.
If this all happened to me 2 years ago when I was really in a rut, I would not have been strong enough to know how to handle myself, and I would not have been willing to take these actions for help. I have been blessed with friends here who are able to walk this road with me and encourage me as I take these next steps toward healing, even though I feel like I'm wearing a blindfold.
Why am I telling you all this? God is good. God is stronger than the battles we face. God is working everything out even before the situation arises.
I had not even began to feel the anxiety rising back yet, and God had planned that I would attend that seminar at the perfect time, I would have all these people around me who understand and can walk me through this, and I had an abundance of resources around me to go to for help and healing. I didn't realize this massive mental health clinic was here until 2 weeks ago when God began to open all these doors. Crazy.
As I write this post I encourage you to keep looking to God, and trust that He is working everything out in any situation you're currently facing. I honestly felt like He wasn't listening, and I even talked with my little sister on the phone one night and told her bluntly that I was mad at God for taking away my peace. Now that I've been through the darkness again I understand why He brought me through that. I may have not experienced that anxiety for a long time, but it was still under the surface, waiting for the right time to come back to life.
With my anxiety, I overthink friendships, relationships, any important decision, and psychoanalyze every feeling I have in my body. Was that a stomach ache? Oh, you can't do this. That's a sign that you are doing something wrong.
That's one simple example. I overthink every detail of everything and can't seem to enjoy the place God has me, and the experienced that I get to have. The smallest thoughts or images can send me into a spiral of thoughts I can't seem to escape. I can be fine one moment, but 5 minutes later I feel like my brain won't shut off and I'm terrified of losing the things I love.
One person encouraged me and told me just to live. When that anxiety comes, she told me to focus on the joy I have regardless of the situation I face. Don't focus on what could happen, but focus on what you have now and hold tight to that. Don't let your situation define if you are happy; be happy even in the darkness of a situation. Don't be so afraid of losing what you love that you don't enjoy the time you have it now.
I have hope that I didn't know I had before. It's difficult, and it's scary, but I know that God is walking with me.
Taking these steps is something I never thought I would want to do, but after seeing how God was trying to give me great things in life, but I was too anxious about every little thing to be able to enjoy them, I knew this wasn't something I could keep up.
Anxiety is scary, and to be honest, the idea of taking anxiety medication is terrifying for me, but I firmly believe that this is the path God guided me to. I had tried so many other things that didn't seem to do any good, and I didn't want to think of going to a doctor because I wouldn't admit to myself how severe my anxiety had gotten. I avoided the issue for so long, hoping it would go away, that it progressively got worse.
I had gotten so far ahead of myself in life, thinking I had it all together and could write my own story, that I missed what God was doing around me and when I finally looked to Him to see what was going on, He was already carrying me through the storm I hadn't noticed I was in yet.
The next few months will continue to be a bit of a challenge, but God has shown Himself to me in amazing ways the past few weeks, to the point where I trust Him to guide me through it. I know He has a plan for everything I have ever gone through and will ever go through.
I hope this is a bit of an encouragement to you. Life is challenging, and God will bring you through waters you had no idea you could navigate, but for every challenge He brings you through, He's shaping you for something greater. If I had never experienced what I did a few years back, I would never have been able to handle the situation I'm facing now. Changing your perspective to be able to look to the problem solver instead of the problem is a huge game changer. Look to the purpose of your storm, instead of the intensity of the storm. God won't let you go, and He definitely knows what He's doing.
I hope my story continues to encourage you. I wouldn't trade anything that has happened to me for the world. Being able to share my testimony is a big part of me being able to see how big God is. I may have taken that peace for granted I had before, but I recently came to a place of humility where I cried out to God and said, "If you take this burden from me, I don't ever want to take that peace for granted again."
Don't let the storms you're facing now pull you away from the one who can stop the storm.
~Sarah
"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
-Galatians 5:13
