When You Don't Know How To Trust

Hey all!

     Finals week is quickly approaching and I am almost finished with my 3rd semester here at Ozark. It has been a crazy semester and a crazy beginning to my 3rd year of college and I cannot believe it is almost finished already! I am sitting here on the floor of my dorm room listening to some of the worship songs that have given me hope and strength throughout the past few months, and I began to think about what trusting God feels like to me right now.
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     To be honest, I'm not sure what trusting God looks like for me right now. I've gone back and forth on feeling as though I was thriving with God and feeling empowered by Him and completely satisfied with Him. Other times I feel less than fulfilled and as though He is far away. To be honest, I am somewhere in the middle right now. . .
     I know God is here, and I know God is all powerful and promises to work all things for His good, but I struggle to accept that when things seem less than that. Tonight as I sit here I am having a difficult time truly understanding so many things.
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     The song "While I Wait" by Lincoln Brewster is playing right now. This song was sent to me a few weeks into the semester for hope and encouragement by someone I admire a great deal, and it reminds me of what trusting God can be for me.
     Trusting God doesn't mean that the confusion and questions disappear  Rather, it means that through all of that I will look to God and remember He has a plan. We as humans may not be able to know what God has planned, and what happens has happened and we cannot change that. We must accept it. I like to tell myself "Life happens. How are you going to respond?"
     As I think about that I wonder how I can even fathom that God's plan is so much better than what looked completely perfect and complete in my own eyes. I am in awe that God's plan is so good I cannot even imagine what it is. This is so difficult for me at the same time and I have struggled with this over and over throughout my life.
     I am someone who likes to either be in control or know what is going to happen. When I am caught off guard in life I am thrown for a loop and can feel as though I have lost my balance. This semester has been a constant back and forth of being tossed around and trying to hold onto God for balance and strength. God has us go through what we do to shape us and grow us into who He created us to be. Someone told me a few weeks ago, "God is preparing you for something great. You must have strong, strong roots!" It is through that process that I am able to trust Him even without feeling like I am.
     God does not promise that our lives will be easy, but He promises to be with us. . . This reminder calms my heart at night when I sit alone in my room and contemplate where He has placed me right now. There has been moments I've cried out to God and simply asked Him to wrap His arms around me and to give me a sense that He is here with me.
     This reminds me of what faith looks like. It seems impossible for me to feel as though God is wrapping me in His arms, yet I still ask Him to. . . What does this say about trust? Even when I feel as though I cannot give my plans for my life over to God, a part of me already has. Its the same with worship. When I struggle to surrender my pains and worries to God, I am still able to raise my hands in song and praise Him because He is good.
     I cannot understand how a life without God could hold any peace or comfort at all. It may not always seem as though God is close by, that His plan is going to be good, or that He can truly make all things work together for good. . . (Romans 8:28) but even in the midst of the darkness a piece of our soul still knows that God is who He says He is and we long for Him in our lives.
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     Thinking about all of this leads me to the gospels where Jesus was crucified  Everything seemed finished. Darkness had won. Jesus was dead. The hope that the people had disappeared and everything was over. But then Jesus came out of that grave! Right at the moment when the darkness seemed to have overcome the light, Jesus overcame it and brought ultimate hope to the world and delivered us out of the darkness.
     Proverbs 3:5 talks about trusting in God and not leaning on our own understanding. Until now I never truly understood what this verse meant, but as I think about it right now I see the meaning. I can't seem to understand how God can transform my own plan for my life into something so good that my "perfect" future isn't good enough. . . I am leaning on my understanding of my life and what God has planned for me. I cannot understand. My understanding of this will lead me astray, but trusting in God even when things seem confusing is where I will eventually find understanding and truth in God Himself.
     When I look at Joshua 1:9 I see the truth of God's presence. The entire idea of God being with me should be enough that I don't even need to try to understand what God's plan is for my future or in the present moment. I should not fear, but rather I need to take courage because He is here and He is good.
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     I am staying in Missouri over Christmas break and the entire process of making this decision was an act of trust. Already within the past 2 days I have seen ways God was working through this. My means of staying in town over break were not by coincidence. It took less than a day for everything to fall into place. Now, I am still understanding more and more what good things are coming from me staying here.
     Originally my intentions for staying in town were for my own gain, and now I am seeing how God knew this was what I needed. I will be able to go home for Christmas Day, but be able to remain in Missouri for the remainder of break and thrive from so many incredible opportunities God has given me. The opportunities only continue to appear throughout the next few months. What amazes me is that God was working in my life before I even knew I needed a new plan. He is GOOD.
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     I only have 1 question to close this out. Has God ever failed us before? Then why should we think that His plan isn't as good as what we had planned? Why should we think that He will not fulfill His promise for us?

~Sarah