Hey all!
Finals week is quickly approaching and I am almost finished with my 3rd semester here at Ozark. It has been a crazy semester and a crazy beginning to my 3rd year of college and I cannot believe it is almost finished already! I am sitting here on the floor of my dorm room listening to some of the worship songs that have given me hope and strength throughout the past few months, and I began to think about what trusting God feels like to me right now.
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To be honest, I'm not sure what trusting God looks like for me right now. I've gone back and forth on feeling as though I was thriving with God and feeling empowered by Him and completely satisfied with Him. Other times I feel less than fulfilled and as though He is far away. To be honest, I am somewhere in the middle right now. . .
I know God is here, and I know God is all powerful and promises to work all things for His good, but I struggle to accept that when things seem less than that. Tonight as I sit here I am having a difficult time truly understanding so many things.
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The song "While I Wait" by Lincoln Brewster is playing right now. This song was sent to me a few weeks into the semester for hope and encouragement by someone I admire a great deal, and it reminds me of what trusting God can be for me.
Trusting God doesn't mean that the confusion and questions disappear Rather, it means that through all of that I will look to God and remember He has a plan. We as humans may not be able to know what God has planned, and what happens has happened and we cannot change that. We must accept it. I like to tell myself "Life happens. How are you going to respond?"
As I think about that I wonder how I can even fathom that God's plan is so much better than what looked completely perfect and complete in my own eyes. I am in awe that God's plan is so good I cannot even imagine what it is. This is so difficult for me at the same time and I have struggled with this over and over throughout my life.
I am someone who likes to either be in control or know what is going to happen. When I am caught off guard in life I am thrown for a loop and can feel as though I have lost my balance. This semester has been a constant back and forth of being tossed around and trying to hold onto God for balance and strength. God has us go through what we do to shape us and grow us into who He created us to be. Someone told me a few weeks ago, "God is preparing you for something great. You must have strong, strong roots!" It is through that process that I am able to trust Him even without feeling like I am.
God does not promise that our lives will be easy, but He promises to be with us. . . This reminder calms my heart at night when I sit alone in my room and contemplate where He has placed me right now. There has been moments I've cried out to God and simply asked Him to wrap His arms around me and to give me a sense that He is here with me.
This reminds me of what faith looks like. It seems impossible for me to feel as though God is wrapping me in His arms, yet I still ask Him to. . . What does this say about trust? Even when I feel as though I cannot give my plans for my life over to God, a part of me already has. Its the same with worship. When I struggle to surrender my pains and worries to God, I am still able to raise my hands in song and praise Him because He is good.
I cannot understand how a life without God could hold any peace or comfort at all. It may not always seem as though God is close by, that His plan is going to be good, or that He can truly make all things work together for good. . . (Romans 8:28) but even in the midst of the darkness a piece of our soul still knows that God is who He says He is and we long for Him in our lives.
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Thinking about all of this leads me to the gospels where Jesus was crucified Everything seemed finished. Darkness had won. Jesus was dead. The hope that the people had disappeared and everything was over. But then Jesus came out of that grave! Right at the moment when the darkness seemed to have overcome the light, Jesus overcame it and brought ultimate hope to the world and delivered us out of the darkness.
Proverbs 3:5 talks about trusting in God and not leaning on our own understanding. Until now I never truly understood what this verse meant, but as I think about it right now I see the meaning. I can't seem to understand how God can transform my own plan for my life into something so good that my "perfect" future isn't good enough. . . I am leaning on my understanding of my life and what God has planned for me. I cannot understand. My understanding of this will lead me astray, but trusting in God even when things seem confusing is where I will eventually find understanding and truth in God Himself.
When I look at Joshua 1:9 I see the truth of God's presence. The entire idea of God being with me should be enough that I don't even need to try to understand what God's plan is for my future or in the present moment. I should not fear, but rather I need to take courage because He is here and He is good.
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I am staying in Missouri over Christmas break and the entire process of making this decision was an act of trust. Already within the past 2 days I have seen ways God was working through this. My means of staying in town over break were not by coincidence. It took less than a day for everything to fall into place. Now, I am still understanding more and more what good things are coming from me staying here.
Originally my intentions for staying in town were for my own gain, and now I am seeing how God knew this was what I needed. I will be able to go home for Christmas Day, but be able to remain in Missouri for the remainder of break and thrive from so many incredible opportunities God has given me. The opportunities only continue to appear throughout the next few months. What amazes me is that God was working in my life before I even knew I needed a new plan. He is GOOD.
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I only have 1 question to close this out. Has God ever failed us before? Then why should we think that His plan isn't as good as what we had planned? Why should we think that He will not fulfill His promise for us?
~Sarah
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
Growing Hurts, God Heals
Hey all!
It has been a while since I wrote. . . and I am finally back to blogging after a seriously needed break, and taking a step back from being under the spotlight while I figured some things out in life.
First off, God is good. Can I get an amen? I am unbelievably blessed and experiencing God in ways I have never seen before. I'm in such awe that I almost don't know what to do with what I am learning and witnessing. . .
Second, I ended last semester with such a strong passion for continuing my calling into ministry at Ozark after a few months of spiritual battles where I fought back and forth on where to take my life. I am pleased to inform any of you who were not aware that I am not transferring schools anymore and I am where God has called me.
That same passion continued on throughout the summer and I was fueled daily with an excitement to come back to campus and continue to fuel the fire in the community I have grown to love beyond belief. Working in a secular environment all summer was rough at times, but God was faithful and reminded me in the hardest times that it doesn't matter what criticism I receive for being "different" from all the other college students who sleep around, get drunk, or hop around from one relationship to another. He has chosen me and called me to be a light in those places. I was able to share parts of my story with multiple coworkers and people this summer I never thought would ask or be receptive to what I had to say. I don't say any of this to brag, but only to show how God is faithful and how He is always guiding us if we seek Him and allow Him to work.
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However, coming back to campus this year seemed like one hit after another. . . Within a week before moving back to Joplin in August, my dorm shut down for a year long remodel and we were all relocated to another dorm in an entirely new community of girls we barely knew, and a community of girls who had already established friendships together. Coming into that was terrifying and a shock. It took me for a turn, and that was only the beginning.
Within days of moving into school again, different parts of my life began to change and shift dramatically, which opened up the door to two and a half months of crazy and painful growth in my faith and how I love.
I have learned so much this semester already that my head is spinning and I would have to write a book to explain what all I have learned about my calling as a believer, how I should be loving others (both those that I am friends with and those whom I struggle with) and how to share my story the best way I can with those around me.
I will try to touch base on some of the most significant life changes and lessons I have experienced this semester already.
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First of all, I realized I am so imperfect in many ways I never realized in the past twenty years of life, and the past two years of being a born again Christian. By the grace of God I have begun a journey of accepting myself and learning to see myself how God sees me.
I have learned what it looks like to be open and receptive to constructive criticism from those around me. I cannot see my life from the outside, but those I live my life with know me better than I know myself some days. They came alongside me and worked with me so patiently (and sometimes impatiently when I was a pain. . . so most of the time) through a time of learning and frustration as I had to give up and shift major areas of my life to allow for God to guide me through transitions and mold me in beautiful and hard ways.
I learned, that while I am often in a position of leadership or being looked at as a role model, I need to be make sure I am not the wisest person around me. I can always learn from others, and I should never stop growing or trying to better myself. I tend to take on the personality characteristics of those I am around whether these people are good influences or not. I had to take a step back and analyze my own actions and intentions for those I was spending my time with. Was there anything wrong with being around any of these people? Not at all. The problem was letting my guard down so much that I forgot to be that role model to any of the freshman I spent my time with and to remind them to stay focused on what matters and not to get carried away in the things of the world. After I took some serious time away to let God shift my focus, I was able to approach some of those same students and friends and pay close attention to how I act, why I act that way, and if I am being true to myself. Now we have friendships that encourage one another and show acceptance and grace in life.
Nothing is wrong with me adopting the characteristics of those I am around, in fact it is part of the reason I am able to mesh so well with multiple different groups of people. The problem was when I was unaware of how their behaviors would influence me. This was definitely a new experience for me, but now I am able to look at these new students I live life with and see how God has already began to change them and mature them in Him for His glory. Do I get frustrated with some of the people I am around at least daily? Of course, but by the grace of God I am able to hold my tongue at times and examine my heart to remember that I used to be someone that was difficult to love, but a few special people chose to walk alongside me in my hard-to-tolerate days and walk me through the darkest days to my life now. We are not called to love the cool kids or to love those who like us. . . We are called to love and to show love to everyone, whether we like them or not, and whether they are difficult to love or not.
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That is another lesson I have learned- loving those who we don't get along with or who don't like us. What does that look like to me? It used to look like ignoring them and acting like they didn't bother me so I wasn't a nuisance and they could live life without me in the way. . . and sometimes it included pretending like I had it all together because the people pleaser in me wanted so desperately for them to like me. How silly for me to think I can control what someone else thinks of me. . . I allowed it to go to my head so deeply that I began to shape my actions around how I would look to those people in hopes I would be accepted by them or admired for "who I was". Selfish and boastful much?
It was incredibly humbling when one of my dear friends came alongside me and told me that she had observed I was not being my true self around some people, and when I heard those words I knew in my heart exactly what moments she was referencing. From then on I was able to take my prayers for my own life and shift them towards those I had a difficult time getting along with, or for those who didn't like me. I began to pray blessings over them every morning, and sometimes I would ask God to help them through specific situations I knew were coming up for them. I had learned months ago that praying for those you are not on good terms with can actually cause your heart to shift and you begin to appreciate them and love them more.
Going off of that, while I may not be friends with some of these people, and they may not want to talk to me when I see them, I have learned that it is alright for that to happen. Loving someone doesn't mean I have to be close friends with them. I can love them by praying for them, not acting like a jerk around them, not doing things to deliberately hurt them or make them feel bad from afar, or even invading into their space. This has been one of the most difficult challenges thus far, but each day is a new learning process and I'm able to make it through when I remember that Jesus loved those he didn't get along with either. . .
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From there I have also learned what trusting God looks like in a whole new way. Surrendering certain areas of our lives to God hurts in a way I cannot describe, but as I look at other mentors in my life and the past hurts I have experienced God used every one of those to bring me the sense of peace and thankfulness that I have today. My story hasn't been easy, nor do I want people to think I have it all figured out now, but when life is challenging and I don't like where God is taking me or what He tells me to give over to Him, I know in my heart that He is saying "trust me. . . I'm going to give you something even better than what you have now."
Learning to apply trust to my life is something I thought I already had figured out. How I was wrong. . . We are never in a place where we know it all, cannot learn from anyone else, are too busy to hear from God, or too good to need input from others about ways we can change and grow. Being in a position of hearing from those who are wiser than us is one of the smartest things we can do to grow closer to God and grow in our faith. What better way to grow and mature than from listening to those who have gone through the same things or lived longer than we have?
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Another major area of my life I have learned to give to God is how I handle friendships with other people. I am not perfect, nor are my friends and peers. I cannot expect other people to always make me happy, to never frustrate me, to never hurt me, and to always be okay with the things I do. I am a very loud, crazy, sarcastic, and often blunt person in the things I say and do. I have learned to be cautious in how I go about expressing my personality because I can hurt those closest to me without realizing it. I also need to be careful how open I am with certain people when it comes to sarcasm because not everyone is always receptive to certain jokes at a specific time, or maybe they are in a place where they are sensitive and may be offended by what they would normally find funny. I have had to understand that people go through things each day and will have days where things are off and I need to be able to step back and ask them what they need from me rather than assuming I can fix everything with a joke or dramatic behavior. I am dramatic and energetic most of the time with those I am most comfortable around, but not everyone is able to take that positively everyday. I have had to learn to check myself and look at why I feel the desire to express myself in this way so often. . .
What I have learned is, because of the past few years when I suffered from depression and anxiety, I wasn't very happy and didn't have much in life to make me smile. So now I will take any opportunity I have to share life and joy with those around me and any excuse to laugh or smile.
I thrive off of feeling the joy of the Lord now, especially in moments where I know I would be experiencing incredible sorrow if it weren't for the hope I have recently found again in God. When I look to how the situation I am in now plays into eternity, I am learning to let go and let God. Not all the problems we face are worth getting upset over or stressing over about. There are some things we just need to surrender to God and then continue on with our life.
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Finally, learning how to give God my anxiety and worry was one of the first things I had to do this semester. For those who aren't aware, I am finally off my anxiety medication that I began taking in March of this year. I have been medication free for just about a month. A week or so into not taking the medication I experienced some not so great sickness and vertigo, which was about 2 weeks ago. I was in bed for a few days experiencing severe dizziness, nausea, and didn't have an easy time getting around or walking. I finally got my strength back and was able to get back to life as usual. I made it to a place where I no longer need medication. Praise God! I know some people are not able to share in that same feeling of relief I am, and I empathize with you in that, but I also encourage you to continue to have hope in God that He will use this situation for good even if it is different than my anxiety journey turned out.
Will I still struggle with general anxiety on occasion? Yes, I am human and I will freak out and be nervous from time to time. Everyone is anxious sometimes. Everyone. However, I am learning not to dwell on things I have no control over and to limit my negative comments over things that don't have significant meaning or longterm effects on me. I don't use anxiety as an excuse in life anymore. Life stinks sometimes, but I have been so much healthier since focusing on the positive aspects of life and giving up those moments of annoyance and those desires to complain over something insignificant. Life is too short to sit and focus on the negative things. Its so much better when we focus on the good things in life and have the courage to step away from negativity to find fulfillment in the positive and uplifting areas of life. Sure, sometimes we need to vent or be upset, but we cannot let that define us or become what defines us. Our words, thoughts, and actions reflect what is in the heart.
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Having a handful of close friends who are genuinely in love with Jesus, encourage me daily when I need it, show me what it feels like to be loved regardless of my imperfections, pray me through the night when all I feel is pain and fear, and let me show my raw side of tears, anger, and hope has been one of the blessings I never expected this semester. That verse "iron sharpens iron" has a new meaning to me today.
What I was so nervous for in being forced to move to another dorm God used for good. I have learned to step out and be confident in who I am, not rely on others for what God alone can give me, and learned what it feels like to have a sense of peace in being on my own (whether that be going to church alone or spending the day without anyone around.) These are ways that God has revealed Himself to me, because months ago I was not in a place to do some of these things. . .
Going to a church of 2,000 on my own some weeks can be intimidating, but each week I meet new people and have a sense of freedom to dive into the message and hear from God without the distraction of friends sitting beside me. Not expecting my friends to always know what to say or do when I'm going through trials was difficult, but feeling God beside me in ways others can't always be has been such a neat experience. God truly is our refuge.
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The past two and a half months are over, but the next few months will continue to grow and shape me even more. Being okay with change and letting God take control of my life isn't always easy, but as soon as I place my situation or struggle into God's hands I experience relief, knowing that I am no longer responsible for the ultimate direction of my life. God is in control and if I look to Him in every direction, He will be there with his arms open wide ready to catch me when I fall and hold my hand when I walk through unknown territory.
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I want to encourage you with this: if you are in a place of confusion, frustration, bitterness, or anything like that, don't close off your heart from God. Open yourself up to hearing from Him, other adults or even specific mentors in your life. . . When we place ourselves in a position to hear from God, He will speak if we only let Him.
We are not meant to walk through life's challenges alone. He wants to walk with us and carry us when we don't want to deal with pain and anger anymore. Pray more than you want to, and don't hold back from what you want to tell God. He knows your thoughts already so be honest with Him and tell Him what you're feeling. Ask Him to use your situation for His glory and to grow you. Don't expect for God to give you what you want all the time. Be prepared for Him to bring others into your life who can speak truth to you, challenge you, urge you on, and encourage you when you want to give up. He doesn't give us the easy way out for a reason, and I am learning to be thankful for that.
God didn't create us for individual faith but for community where we can surround one another and go through life together. In the moments of isolation and closing ourselves off from other believers and from hearing God's voice, those are the moments when the enemy swoops in and attacks us, filling our head with lies, confusion, and pain that often feels unbearable. Surround yourself with people you love and trust, and who have your best interest at heart, and who genuinely want to see you grow in faith and relationship with God, and watch your life significantly change and mold to be more like Jesus.
We are never too far gone to where God cannot help us.
We are never alone in this fight against evil.
We will never have it all figured out on our own.
We will never experience freedom from our trials without God.
We can't expect our lives to improve when we don't allow God to change, humble, and grow us.
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I hope this jumbled collection of my thoughts and lessons from the past 2-3 months encourages and challenges you in some way.
I am so glad to be back blogging. I needed the break, but God let me know it was time to get back in the saddle, and after a few weeks of fighting it due to fear and conflicting thoughts, I opened my laptop and began to write.
Thank you to my friends who encouraged me to do what God has called me to do, whether other people support it or like it. I have gained so much in life from hearing other's stories and from gaining new perspectives through devotionals, blogs, youtube channels, personal conversations with others, and through worship that I want to be able to share in my own way.
For the first few weeks of school I didn't feel qualified to share my story anymore, and I was worried that people were annoyed with what I was saying and didn't care. . . I learned that God doesn't call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. . . I needed to double check my intentions for why I shared what I did, and take a break to work through personal situations. All semester I have learned to fight the battle where the battle is. . . but when God called me back to sharing my story I knew He would give me the words to say and the courage to be open and vulnerable, removing that fear of rejection from anyone who doesn't want to hear my words. I don't need for other to support or approve of what God calls me to do, because when God calls us to something we jump in completely and don't look around to what others think of us. Knowing God is with us and we are doing what He wants is enough.
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"Grace be with you all." Hebrews 13:25
Sarah Joy
It has been a while since I wrote. . . and I am finally back to blogging after a seriously needed break, and taking a step back from being under the spotlight while I figured some things out in life.
First off, God is good. Can I get an amen? I am unbelievably blessed and experiencing God in ways I have never seen before. I'm in such awe that I almost don't know what to do with what I am learning and witnessing. . .
Second, I ended last semester with such a strong passion for continuing my calling into ministry at Ozark after a few months of spiritual battles where I fought back and forth on where to take my life. I am pleased to inform any of you who were not aware that I am not transferring schools anymore and I am where God has called me.
That same passion continued on throughout the summer and I was fueled daily with an excitement to come back to campus and continue to fuel the fire in the community I have grown to love beyond belief. Working in a secular environment all summer was rough at times, but God was faithful and reminded me in the hardest times that it doesn't matter what criticism I receive for being "different" from all the other college students who sleep around, get drunk, or hop around from one relationship to another. He has chosen me and called me to be a light in those places. I was able to share parts of my story with multiple coworkers and people this summer I never thought would ask or be receptive to what I had to say. I don't say any of this to brag, but only to show how God is faithful and how He is always guiding us if we seek Him and allow Him to work.
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However, coming back to campus this year seemed like one hit after another. . . Within a week before moving back to Joplin in August, my dorm shut down for a year long remodel and we were all relocated to another dorm in an entirely new community of girls we barely knew, and a community of girls who had already established friendships together. Coming into that was terrifying and a shock. It took me for a turn, and that was only the beginning.
Within days of moving into school again, different parts of my life began to change and shift dramatically, which opened up the door to two and a half months of crazy and painful growth in my faith and how I love.
I have learned so much this semester already that my head is spinning and I would have to write a book to explain what all I have learned about my calling as a believer, how I should be loving others (both those that I am friends with and those whom I struggle with) and how to share my story the best way I can with those around me.
I will try to touch base on some of the most significant life changes and lessons I have experienced this semester already.
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-
First of all, I realized I am so imperfect in many ways I never realized in the past twenty years of life, and the past two years of being a born again Christian. By the grace of God I have begun a journey of accepting myself and learning to see myself how God sees me.
I have learned what it looks like to be open and receptive to constructive criticism from those around me. I cannot see my life from the outside, but those I live my life with know me better than I know myself some days. They came alongside me and worked with me so patiently (and sometimes impatiently when I was a pain. . . so most of the time) through a time of learning and frustration as I had to give up and shift major areas of my life to allow for God to guide me through transitions and mold me in beautiful and hard ways.
I learned, that while I am often in a position of leadership or being looked at as a role model, I need to be make sure I am not the wisest person around me. I can always learn from others, and I should never stop growing or trying to better myself. I tend to take on the personality characteristics of those I am around whether these people are good influences or not. I had to take a step back and analyze my own actions and intentions for those I was spending my time with. Was there anything wrong with being around any of these people? Not at all. The problem was letting my guard down so much that I forgot to be that role model to any of the freshman I spent my time with and to remind them to stay focused on what matters and not to get carried away in the things of the world. After I took some serious time away to let God shift my focus, I was able to approach some of those same students and friends and pay close attention to how I act, why I act that way, and if I am being true to myself. Now we have friendships that encourage one another and show acceptance and grace in life.
Nothing is wrong with me adopting the characteristics of those I am around, in fact it is part of the reason I am able to mesh so well with multiple different groups of people. The problem was when I was unaware of how their behaviors would influence me. This was definitely a new experience for me, but now I am able to look at these new students I live life with and see how God has already began to change them and mature them in Him for His glory. Do I get frustrated with some of the people I am around at least daily? Of course, but by the grace of God I am able to hold my tongue at times and examine my heart to remember that I used to be someone that was difficult to love, but a few special people chose to walk alongside me in my hard-to-tolerate days and walk me through the darkest days to my life now. We are not called to love the cool kids or to love those who like us. . . We are called to love and to show love to everyone, whether we like them or not, and whether they are difficult to love or not.
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That is another lesson I have learned- loving those who we don't get along with or who don't like us. What does that look like to me? It used to look like ignoring them and acting like they didn't bother me so I wasn't a nuisance and they could live life without me in the way. . . and sometimes it included pretending like I had it all together because the people pleaser in me wanted so desperately for them to like me. How silly for me to think I can control what someone else thinks of me. . . I allowed it to go to my head so deeply that I began to shape my actions around how I would look to those people in hopes I would be accepted by them or admired for "who I was". Selfish and boastful much?
It was incredibly humbling when one of my dear friends came alongside me and told me that she had observed I was not being my true self around some people, and when I heard those words I knew in my heart exactly what moments she was referencing. From then on I was able to take my prayers for my own life and shift them towards those I had a difficult time getting along with, or for those who didn't like me. I began to pray blessings over them every morning, and sometimes I would ask God to help them through specific situations I knew were coming up for them. I had learned months ago that praying for those you are not on good terms with can actually cause your heart to shift and you begin to appreciate them and love them more.
Going off of that, while I may not be friends with some of these people, and they may not want to talk to me when I see them, I have learned that it is alright for that to happen. Loving someone doesn't mean I have to be close friends with them. I can love them by praying for them, not acting like a jerk around them, not doing things to deliberately hurt them or make them feel bad from afar, or even invading into their space. This has been one of the most difficult challenges thus far, but each day is a new learning process and I'm able to make it through when I remember that Jesus loved those he didn't get along with either. . .
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From there I have also learned what trusting God looks like in a whole new way. Surrendering certain areas of our lives to God hurts in a way I cannot describe, but as I look at other mentors in my life and the past hurts I have experienced God used every one of those to bring me the sense of peace and thankfulness that I have today. My story hasn't been easy, nor do I want people to think I have it all figured out now, but when life is challenging and I don't like where God is taking me or what He tells me to give over to Him, I know in my heart that He is saying "trust me. . . I'm going to give you something even better than what you have now."
Learning to apply trust to my life is something I thought I already had figured out. How I was wrong. . . We are never in a place where we know it all, cannot learn from anyone else, are too busy to hear from God, or too good to need input from others about ways we can change and grow. Being in a position of hearing from those who are wiser than us is one of the smartest things we can do to grow closer to God and grow in our faith. What better way to grow and mature than from listening to those who have gone through the same things or lived longer than we have?
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Another major area of my life I have learned to give to God is how I handle friendships with other people. I am not perfect, nor are my friends and peers. I cannot expect other people to always make me happy, to never frustrate me, to never hurt me, and to always be okay with the things I do. I am a very loud, crazy, sarcastic, and often blunt person in the things I say and do. I have learned to be cautious in how I go about expressing my personality because I can hurt those closest to me without realizing it. I also need to be careful how open I am with certain people when it comes to sarcasm because not everyone is always receptive to certain jokes at a specific time, or maybe they are in a place where they are sensitive and may be offended by what they would normally find funny. I have had to understand that people go through things each day and will have days where things are off and I need to be able to step back and ask them what they need from me rather than assuming I can fix everything with a joke or dramatic behavior. I am dramatic and energetic most of the time with those I am most comfortable around, but not everyone is able to take that positively everyday. I have had to learn to check myself and look at why I feel the desire to express myself in this way so often. . .
What I have learned is, because of the past few years when I suffered from depression and anxiety, I wasn't very happy and didn't have much in life to make me smile. So now I will take any opportunity I have to share life and joy with those around me and any excuse to laugh or smile.
I thrive off of feeling the joy of the Lord now, especially in moments where I know I would be experiencing incredible sorrow if it weren't for the hope I have recently found again in God. When I look to how the situation I am in now plays into eternity, I am learning to let go and let God. Not all the problems we face are worth getting upset over or stressing over about. There are some things we just need to surrender to God and then continue on with our life.
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Finally, learning how to give God my anxiety and worry was one of the first things I had to do this semester. For those who aren't aware, I am finally off my anxiety medication that I began taking in March of this year. I have been medication free for just about a month. A week or so into not taking the medication I experienced some not so great sickness and vertigo, which was about 2 weeks ago. I was in bed for a few days experiencing severe dizziness, nausea, and didn't have an easy time getting around or walking. I finally got my strength back and was able to get back to life as usual. I made it to a place where I no longer need medication. Praise God! I know some people are not able to share in that same feeling of relief I am, and I empathize with you in that, but I also encourage you to continue to have hope in God that He will use this situation for good even if it is different than my anxiety journey turned out.
Will I still struggle with general anxiety on occasion? Yes, I am human and I will freak out and be nervous from time to time. Everyone is anxious sometimes. Everyone. However, I am learning not to dwell on things I have no control over and to limit my negative comments over things that don't have significant meaning or longterm effects on me. I don't use anxiety as an excuse in life anymore. Life stinks sometimes, but I have been so much healthier since focusing on the positive aspects of life and giving up those moments of annoyance and those desires to complain over something insignificant. Life is too short to sit and focus on the negative things. Its so much better when we focus on the good things in life and have the courage to step away from negativity to find fulfillment in the positive and uplifting areas of life. Sure, sometimes we need to vent or be upset, but we cannot let that define us or become what defines us. Our words, thoughts, and actions reflect what is in the heart.
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Having a handful of close friends who are genuinely in love with Jesus, encourage me daily when I need it, show me what it feels like to be loved regardless of my imperfections, pray me through the night when all I feel is pain and fear, and let me show my raw side of tears, anger, and hope has been one of the blessings I never expected this semester. That verse "iron sharpens iron" has a new meaning to me today.
What I was so nervous for in being forced to move to another dorm God used for good. I have learned to step out and be confident in who I am, not rely on others for what God alone can give me, and learned what it feels like to have a sense of peace in being on my own (whether that be going to church alone or spending the day without anyone around.) These are ways that God has revealed Himself to me, because months ago I was not in a place to do some of these things. . .
Going to a church of 2,000 on my own some weeks can be intimidating, but each week I meet new people and have a sense of freedom to dive into the message and hear from God without the distraction of friends sitting beside me. Not expecting my friends to always know what to say or do when I'm going through trials was difficult, but feeling God beside me in ways others can't always be has been such a neat experience. God truly is our refuge.
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The past two and a half months are over, but the next few months will continue to grow and shape me even more. Being okay with change and letting God take control of my life isn't always easy, but as soon as I place my situation or struggle into God's hands I experience relief, knowing that I am no longer responsible for the ultimate direction of my life. God is in control and if I look to Him in every direction, He will be there with his arms open wide ready to catch me when I fall and hold my hand when I walk through unknown territory.
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I want to encourage you with this: if you are in a place of confusion, frustration, bitterness, or anything like that, don't close off your heart from God. Open yourself up to hearing from Him, other adults or even specific mentors in your life. . . When we place ourselves in a position to hear from God, He will speak if we only let Him.
We are not meant to walk through life's challenges alone. He wants to walk with us and carry us when we don't want to deal with pain and anger anymore. Pray more than you want to, and don't hold back from what you want to tell God. He knows your thoughts already so be honest with Him and tell Him what you're feeling. Ask Him to use your situation for His glory and to grow you. Don't expect for God to give you what you want all the time. Be prepared for Him to bring others into your life who can speak truth to you, challenge you, urge you on, and encourage you when you want to give up. He doesn't give us the easy way out for a reason, and I am learning to be thankful for that.
God didn't create us for individual faith but for community where we can surround one another and go through life together. In the moments of isolation and closing ourselves off from other believers and from hearing God's voice, those are the moments when the enemy swoops in and attacks us, filling our head with lies, confusion, and pain that often feels unbearable. Surround yourself with people you love and trust, and who have your best interest at heart, and who genuinely want to see you grow in faith and relationship with God, and watch your life significantly change and mold to be more like Jesus.
We are never too far gone to where God cannot help us.
We are never alone in this fight against evil.
We will never have it all figured out on our own.
We will never experience freedom from our trials without God.
We can't expect our lives to improve when we don't allow God to change, humble, and grow us.
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I hope this jumbled collection of my thoughts and lessons from the past 2-3 months encourages and challenges you in some way.
I am so glad to be back blogging. I needed the break, but God let me know it was time to get back in the saddle, and after a few weeks of fighting it due to fear and conflicting thoughts, I opened my laptop and began to write.
Thank you to my friends who encouraged me to do what God has called me to do, whether other people support it or like it. I have gained so much in life from hearing other's stories and from gaining new perspectives through devotionals, blogs, youtube channels, personal conversations with others, and through worship that I want to be able to share in my own way.
For the first few weeks of school I didn't feel qualified to share my story anymore, and I was worried that people were annoyed with what I was saying and didn't care. . . I learned that God doesn't call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. . . I needed to double check my intentions for why I shared what I did, and take a break to work through personal situations. All semester I have learned to fight the battle where the battle is. . . but when God called me back to sharing my story I knew He would give me the words to say and the courage to be open and vulnerable, removing that fear of rejection from anyone who doesn't want to hear my words. I don't need for other to support or approve of what God calls me to do, because when God calls us to something we jump in completely and don't look around to what others think of us. Knowing God is with us and we are doing what He wants is enough.
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"Grace be with you all." Hebrews 13:25
Sarah Joy
Monday, June 25, 2018
Our 2 Year Anniversary!!!
Hey all! I hope your summer has been all you hoped it would be so far!
I am excited to write this post for you today. It is nearing one of my favorite times of the year, and I am anxious to see what the Lord will do in my heart and life in the days leading up to this. What day is this you may ask?
I am excited to write this post for you today. It is nearing one of my favorite times of the year, and I am anxious to see what the Lord will do in my heart and life in the days leading up to this. What day is this you may ask?
July 6
The 2 year anniversary of the day I
recommitted my life to Christ!
On this day 2 years ago I turned my life around and began living to honor God instead of for the approval of others and myself. I had fallen into a hole of self pity, depression, anxiety, and fear. I felt alone, trapped, and worthless. Some days I had a difficult time getting myself out of bed, anxious thoughts flooded my mind constantly, I couldn't enjoy things that usually made me smile, and often my chest felt so heavy it almost seemed like I was in a box.
The day I surrendered my sorrows, fear, anxiety, and heart to God He began to transform me. From that day on the fire has not died and I am still living sent as a child of God. I cannot imagine where I would be now had that change never occurred. I am in awe knowing that all of the difficulties my family and I endured in the 2 years leading up to that moment in my life were shaping me to be able to handle the rest of my future.
I am reminded that every trial prepares us for what lies ahead. God is preparing in advance what He needs us to do, and I am so thankful that He was with me every step of the way through my depression in high school and freshman year of college.
Now, I'm not saying I don't struggle anymore. . . I still suffer from anxiety from time to time and tend to battle with fear when I let my guard down and become overwhelmed and take my focus off of God. Yet He is with me fighting those battles against the devil and walking beside me as He leads me on by the Holy Spirit.
He uses those quiet moments in my car to speak to me through the silence in my mind or the words sang on the radio. He uses people around me to lift me up and urge me to push on. He sends amazing believers to encourage me in my worship and music so that I am reminded why I began leading worship in the first place. He even brought me to a place I was against in order to shape my life for ministry. I am forever thankful for Ozark and how it changed my life for the better.
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Looking back now, July 6, 2016 doesn't seem that far away but thinking back on all that has taken place since then is unbelievable. God has been so good, and I cannot even begin to explain all He has done in my life- I'd for sure forget something and leave details out!
July 6 will be a day of celebration for me in the years to come. It has become a day I am reminded of who I am and where I have been so that I am ready for where I will go.
Overcoming trials is never easy, and often times we are never completely over them, but God is faithful, and with Him we will win the battle against the enemy. He has already won, remember?
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As I prepare to celebrate my 2 year anniversary of being a born-again Christian I am excited to remember and look ahead to what all God has in store for me! Some people may not understand how special this day is to me, but that's okay.
I will go to sleep the night before excited to wake up and remember that day like it was yesterday. I was at a massive conference surrounded by thousands of other teenagers, sitting in a bleacher chair praying to God for healing and strength, sobbing loudly with my best friends praying over me, and Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) being played by the band.
In that moment my chains of burden and fear were lifted and I experienced a weight lifted from my shoulders. In those few seconds of relief God assured me that I was going to make it through this, my life meant something, and I could not give up. The life I wanted to give up on and stop the pain of, God wanted to redeem and restore for His glory. Now I am able to share my story with others and give them a light in their dark world, like a dear lady did for me many years ago. My only hope is to be half as amazing of a counselor someday as the lady that changed my life with her mental health practice.
If God can meet a stubborn, sassy mess like me personally in a room of thousands of people, He can meet you. Don't keep shutting Him out. Open up your heart and welcome Him. Trust me- you won't regret it.
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In moments where I used to sob, worry, and hide. . . I now laugh, raise my hands, and worship openly to God.
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 1:6
"Now I am about to go the way of all the earth. You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."
-Joshua 23:14
Sarah
Friday, May 11, 2018
Beauty in the Pain
Hey all!
Its so good to be writing to you from my comfy bed at home in Iowa! This 4th semester of college was a year of incredible growth, and I am honestly sitting here in awe at all God has shown me and done for me since January alone.
Back in January, as I wrote in some previous posts, I was struggling pretty bad with anxiety again. It had taken a big toll on my school life as well as my social life. The only positive that came from that relapse of anxiety for me was realizing who the hand that held my way through it all belonged to. God brought me to a place where I was able to fully surrender to Him and follow the direction of the Holy Spirit.
Through this semester I have learned to recognize when the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do something or to turn away from something else. In addition to learning how to recognize this prompting, I have understood how to act on it and follow the call. . . This has been one of the most difficult but also rewarding things I have learned the past few months.
God has done so much for me in the past year of school, but this past semester was the most difficult, most rewarding, most emotional, most frightening, but also most beautiful. The people I have met and developed relationships with have blessed my life and I am so thankful for the community I have now. I have gained a much greater sense of peace and knowledge of how to slow down and simply be in the presence of my Lord. Even as I'm sitting here writing this post I am quietly listening to instrumental music with lights dimmed beside me, dwelling on the goodness of the Savior and feeling incredibly refreshed.
My best friend Gaby and my roommate Gracelyn both wrote me a sweet letter before I moved out of the dorms on Thursday. In these letters they both reminded me to slow down every once and a while. This is something I have always struggled with, but I have been challenged to practice. How rewarding it has been to be able to practice slowing my brain down and enjoying the present moment! I am so grateful for these wise women God has placed in my life who have challenged me and prayed over me in my moments of weakness and fear.
Another thing I have learned to take to heart the past month is my sense of self-worth and rewriting an identity based off of Christ and not what others around me say or what they are like. Being able to be confident in my own skin has been something I've struggled with since middle school after being teased so frequently for who-knows-what and having a diminished idea of who I was supposed to be. I have hidden behind a wall of sarcasm since I can remember, in order to block out any chance of being hurt. Through slowly breaking down this wall I have been able to keep my personality of sarcasm while being real with people and vulnerable when I'm hurting or need help.
One of the biggest things with breaking down this wall of sarcasm I hid behind for so long was admitting to myself that I was hiding from who I really wanted to be. I wanted to be sensitive and able to reach out for help, or to let people tell me that I didn't have to do everything on my own. . . but that was so difficult for me. Instead, I would do my absolute best to make everyone laugh and have a good time because I believed thats how I got people to like me, not by being who I felt God telling me I was.
Now I am able to confidently open up to friends with my struggles and have them pray over me; I can tell jokes and make people laugh because of the joy Christ has filled me with; I can cry when life becomes too much for me to handle on my own, or even when life is so beautiful I am filled with absolute happiness; I can be a light for someone else who has lost the way similar to how I once had; I can even shamelessly admit I am not perfect and words do hurt me, but I am able to look to the truth of who God's Word says I am.
How was this change possible? P.R.A.Y.E.R. Lots and lots of time spent in prayer and shutting out the voices that tell me I'm not good enough, or the doubts of failure. I am a perfectionist, and when I lose control of life I tend to freak out. When I let God take control and guide me, His Spirit guided me to a place of peace where I knew I could trust what He was doing and who He says I am. Sometimes I just had to speak truth over myself and verbally banish the voices in my head.
My room at school became a private war room where I prayed many prayers in the middle of the day, hiding from the pain outside the door. I would pray at my desk with tears streaming down my face because the fear was overwhelming. I would pray in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and the confusion of the world became too much. Yet, after a few weeks I began to pray throughout the day different prayers of thankfulness for the ways God guided, provided, and delivered me in ways I never would have imagined. So much of the purpose behind my past trials came to light through April and May, and I praise God for all of it.
I hope that whoever occupies that dorm room next is able to feel the Spirit when they're in there, because He was definitely with me through each tear shed and every laugh that was carried down the hall.
I am so thankful. I'm so thankful I can't list everything that God has done. I just want to encourage you to continue on and to fight the good fight with the Mighty Warrior by your side. He has already won the battle, so when you follow Him and hold His hand along the way, you can have faith that you are in good hands.
Never give up on this life. No matter how long and dark the tunnel you are in seems, there is always a brighter light shining on the other end. Every trial is followed up with a reward of some kind. Being able to view pain and hardship with that perspective has allowed my eyes to be open to seeing the growth happen in the moment instead of being so closed off to the idea of change and growth that I miss it all. Don't get me wrong, trials are still hard, but I have a sense of peace for the end and a faith that God is in control and He's taking care of me. Knowing it will all be for a greater purpose than anything I could imagine diminishes the confusion some days.
As I'm finishing up this post, the two songs Reckless Love by Cory Asbury and Tremble by Mosaic MSC come to mind. These are two of my favorite worship songs currently. They have seen me through some of my worst and best moments this semester. My roommate will tell you how much I have been playing and singing these songs the past month. I would walk into my room, be studying, talking about something, or even taking a nap, and all of a sudden just grab my guitar and sit on my bed and play these songs out with all my heart.
Worship has always been my key form of spending time with God, and these songs have been my way of doing that this spring. As I think about the lyrics to these songs I am emotional thinking about all God has done and all He will do. I sit in awe as I think of who He is and why He chose me to be a part of His plan.
I love the opportunity to sit and write my heart and thoughts out for all of you, and I love the support and encouragement I get from everyone who takes the time to read my words. You all have blessed this writing journey of mine, and I am grateful I get to share my testimony with everyone.
Go in peace, my friends.
~Sarah Joy
Friday, April 6, 2018
Worldly Accomplishments Vs. A Heart Change
Hey all! Welcome back to my blog. I'm coming to you with this blog by the window in my dorm room, thinking of all the exciting things that are to come within the rest of 2018!
Fun fact: Missouri's weather is much crazier than Iowa's weather. While Iowa always seems to find a way to fit all 4 season into 1 week, Missouri goes back and forth every day. Yesterday is was beautiful and sunny, today it had a chance of snow. Tomorrow it will be 60 and sunny again. . . Someone explain to me how nature works, and let me know where to send my complaint letter. My closet is confused. My sweaters and T-shirts are being used the same amount recently and my body is also confused on if it is cold or hot.
In other news, over Spring Break I was having a difficult time deciding what my next steps as a college student were going to be. I was restless and wasn't content where I was at in life. I take after my older brother in the sense that when I'm passionate about something I want the absolute best I can get. I want to get my bachelor of arts in Christian Counseling in 3 years by taking summer classes, and I want to take my master's degree online while working as a therapist with my free time. I wanted to get where I was going as quickly as possible and I wanted to reach the absolute top in my degree. I wanted this path, but only if I could be the best in every area along the way. I was ready for my career right now- Send me into the career field right now, I'm set.
God has a bit of a sense of humor. While I was planning to transfer from Ozark and move back home this Summer to complete my bachelors degree online while working at my old job, things didn't go quite as planned. I had applied to Liberty University Online in Virginia, and I had my heart set on moving back home to finish my degree. Everything was going to be fantastic and I was so excited to get a jump start on working as a counselor. However, once I got back to school after break things didn't seem to fit together as well as I had hoped. I was confused and didn't know what to do. I wasn't hearing back from the school, and I needed to know what to do about signing up for classes and requesting a room for next semester. Finally, I decided to give it completely to God. I woke up one morning and just sat in bed praying before my roommate woke up. That was all I had left to do was pray. I'm not kidding you, less than 10 minutes later I received a message that let me know finances would work themselves out if I decided to stay at Ozark and finish my degree at Bible college. I was so happy I almost laughed and woke my roommate up. I wasn't even upset that moving back home didn't work out. I was excited to start a new journey at home, but I was even more excited to stay at Ozark because of this sure sign that this was where I needed to be.
Fast forward a few days when I was telling my professors, advisors and RA's that I was staying on campus, and everyone was exploding with happiness. Every one of my friends hugged like they never had, and I felt at peace knowing what to expect for the fall. I'm going to end up taking some Summer classes to keep me on top of credits, and hopefully if I continue to take classes each Summer with 16-17 credit hours a semester I'll graduate a semester of what I was planning in May of 2020 with the rest of my friends from high school. Because I took a year off after high school and went to school part time I was a semester behind, but hopefully I'll be back on schedule with this new plan!
What was even more crazy was my devotions the other night. . . I was reading about how easy it is to be burnt out on doing good things that we can't experience peace or joy to be able to keep on doing those good things. I have had friends tell me constantly throughout the past 2 semesters at Ozark that I need to slow down and simply "be." I can't keep pushing myself so hard that I never have any down time besides sleeping at night. Stressing about getting all A's isn't all its cracked up to be, and always thinking about the next assignment isn't always a healthy thing either. I ended up dropping one of my classes halfway through the semester and that was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made at Ozark. My stress levels dropped 50% and I was able to enjoy living in the present and focusing on the rest of my grades currently, along with having time to build relationships with friends. Within the next few days my roommate told me my mood had shifted completely and I was much more fun to be around.
This semester has been a crazy journey as mentioned in my previous post and this one. I am on anxiety medication right now, and I am nearing my 4 week mark. They have helped my mind to calm down and to allow me to think clearly without having to rationalize every little thing that happens. I'm also much more clam when approaching certain situations that used to stress me out entirely. I've had a great support system along the way to help me with everything and to offer empathy each time I need help with things.
This morning in one of my classes we discussed the spiritual disciple of worship and what that looks like. He brought up a point that we can't truly worship God until we identify what idols are in our life taking our attention away from Him. What things are in our lives that we seem to think will offer us true satisfaction that can only come from God? Until we have identified these things we cannot experience true satisfaction and contentment in Christ. One of those idols in my life is having to do so much that I feel accomplished. The idol of accomplishment is large in my life and takes up the entire windshield of the car I'm driving. It blocks my view of God as He sits beside me and tells me where to go and what path to take. He wants me to slow down and walk along the path rather than flying by all the scenery on the interstate with the radio blasting. He says "slow down and spend time with me. Only then will you be able to reach the end goal I have in mind for you. I can help you get there, but you have to spend time with me to have the ability to be all you can be."
I'm reminded of the tortoise and the hare race from when I was a kid. Obviously, this story was a fable, but I feel like it holds great importance to my situation currently. The hare flew by so quickly and yet got distracted and ended up coming in second. The tortoise took his time and didn't worry about where everyone else was at, and he ended up reaching the goal.
After coming to this realization and taking steps to lessen my load and fill up my spiritual cup I have been better off than I was at the beginning of this semester. Learning to say "no" to what I can't handle has been a massive relief. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. Even if you're doing church work, you have to take time for yourself and make sure you're spending enough time with God. He needs to be in everything you do, or you're not doing something right.
One of my friends here at school saw one of facebook posts about my word being "warrior" and reminded me and encouraged me that a warrior is not something you fully become. He told me not to become content where I am at, but to always strive to be more and more of a warrior each day. I remember those words every week when I find myself overdoing it and needing to slow down and change my focus back to God and ask Him to fix my eyes on Him and change my heart.
From this lifestyle change has come some new adjustments to my next year of school. I have one more semester as a sophomore, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I'm moving into a single room next semester, and I'll be able to focus on "being" more and continue to focus on the things I'm dealing with in life. I'll also be able to quiet my brain more easily. I'm also planning to be a lifegroup leader for the incoming freshman next year! I'm excited for this next step, and I'm anxious to see how God grows these few girls and myself over our time together!
I love seeing how God works when you allow Him to guide you. I continue to see Him challenge and grow me. I keep coming to a place where I need to remind myself of who is in charge, but every time I am in more awe of Him than before!
Sarah
Fun fact: Missouri's weather is much crazier than Iowa's weather. While Iowa always seems to find a way to fit all 4 season into 1 week, Missouri goes back and forth every day. Yesterday is was beautiful and sunny, today it had a chance of snow. Tomorrow it will be 60 and sunny again. . . Someone explain to me how nature works, and let me know where to send my complaint letter. My closet is confused. My sweaters and T-shirts are being used the same amount recently and my body is also confused on if it is cold or hot.
In other news, over Spring Break I was having a difficult time deciding what my next steps as a college student were going to be. I was restless and wasn't content where I was at in life. I take after my older brother in the sense that when I'm passionate about something I want the absolute best I can get. I want to get my bachelor of arts in Christian Counseling in 3 years by taking summer classes, and I want to take my master's degree online while working as a therapist with my free time. I wanted to get where I was going as quickly as possible and I wanted to reach the absolute top in my degree. I wanted this path, but only if I could be the best in every area along the way. I was ready for my career right now- Send me into the career field right now, I'm set.
God has a bit of a sense of humor. While I was planning to transfer from Ozark and move back home this Summer to complete my bachelors degree online while working at my old job, things didn't go quite as planned. I had applied to Liberty University Online in Virginia, and I had my heart set on moving back home to finish my degree. Everything was going to be fantastic and I was so excited to get a jump start on working as a counselor. However, once I got back to school after break things didn't seem to fit together as well as I had hoped. I was confused and didn't know what to do. I wasn't hearing back from the school, and I needed to know what to do about signing up for classes and requesting a room for next semester. Finally, I decided to give it completely to God. I woke up one morning and just sat in bed praying before my roommate woke up. That was all I had left to do was pray. I'm not kidding you, less than 10 minutes later I received a message that let me know finances would work themselves out if I decided to stay at Ozark and finish my degree at Bible college. I was so happy I almost laughed and woke my roommate up. I wasn't even upset that moving back home didn't work out. I was excited to start a new journey at home, but I was even more excited to stay at Ozark because of this sure sign that this was where I needed to be.
Fast forward a few days when I was telling my professors, advisors and RA's that I was staying on campus, and everyone was exploding with happiness. Every one of my friends hugged like they never had, and I felt at peace knowing what to expect for the fall. I'm going to end up taking some Summer classes to keep me on top of credits, and hopefully if I continue to take classes each Summer with 16-17 credit hours a semester I'll graduate a semester of what I was planning in May of 2020 with the rest of my friends from high school. Because I took a year off after high school and went to school part time I was a semester behind, but hopefully I'll be back on schedule with this new plan!
What was even more crazy was my devotions the other night. . . I was reading about how easy it is to be burnt out on doing good things that we can't experience peace or joy to be able to keep on doing those good things. I have had friends tell me constantly throughout the past 2 semesters at Ozark that I need to slow down and simply "be." I can't keep pushing myself so hard that I never have any down time besides sleeping at night. Stressing about getting all A's isn't all its cracked up to be, and always thinking about the next assignment isn't always a healthy thing either. I ended up dropping one of my classes halfway through the semester and that was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made at Ozark. My stress levels dropped 50% and I was able to enjoy living in the present and focusing on the rest of my grades currently, along with having time to build relationships with friends. Within the next few days my roommate told me my mood had shifted completely and I was much more fun to be around.
This semester has been a crazy journey as mentioned in my previous post and this one. I am on anxiety medication right now, and I am nearing my 4 week mark. They have helped my mind to calm down and to allow me to think clearly without having to rationalize every little thing that happens. I'm also much more clam when approaching certain situations that used to stress me out entirely. I've had a great support system along the way to help me with everything and to offer empathy each time I need help with things.
This morning in one of my classes we discussed the spiritual disciple of worship and what that looks like. He brought up a point that we can't truly worship God until we identify what idols are in our life taking our attention away from Him. What things are in our lives that we seem to think will offer us true satisfaction that can only come from God? Until we have identified these things we cannot experience true satisfaction and contentment in Christ. One of those idols in my life is having to do so much that I feel accomplished. The idol of accomplishment is large in my life and takes up the entire windshield of the car I'm driving. It blocks my view of God as He sits beside me and tells me where to go and what path to take. He wants me to slow down and walk along the path rather than flying by all the scenery on the interstate with the radio blasting. He says "slow down and spend time with me. Only then will you be able to reach the end goal I have in mind for you. I can help you get there, but you have to spend time with me to have the ability to be all you can be."
I'm reminded of the tortoise and the hare race from when I was a kid. Obviously, this story was a fable, but I feel like it holds great importance to my situation currently. The hare flew by so quickly and yet got distracted and ended up coming in second. The tortoise took his time and didn't worry about where everyone else was at, and he ended up reaching the goal.
After coming to this realization and taking steps to lessen my load and fill up my spiritual cup I have been better off than I was at the beginning of this semester. Learning to say "no" to what I can't handle has been a massive relief. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. Even if you're doing church work, you have to take time for yourself and make sure you're spending enough time with God. He needs to be in everything you do, or you're not doing something right.
One of my friends here at school saw one of facebook posts about my word being "warrior" and reminded me and encouraged me that a warrior is not something you fully become. He told me not to become content where I am at, but to always strive to be more and more of a warrior each day. I remember those words every week when I find myself overdoing it and needing to slow down and change my focus back to God and ask Him to fix my eyes on Him and change my heart.
From this lifestyle change has come some new adjustments to my next year of school. I have one more semester as a sophomore, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. I'm moving into a single room next semester, and I'll be able to focus on "being" more and continue to focus on the things I'm dealing with in life. I'll also be able to quiet my brain more easily. I'm also planning to be a lifegroup leader for the incoming freshman next year! I'm excited for this next step, and I'm anxious to see how God grows these few girls and myself over our time together!
I love seeing how God works when you allow Him to guide you. I continue to see Him challenge and grow me. I keep coming to a place where I need to remind myself of who is in charge, but every time I am in more awe of Him than before!
Sarah
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Stepping Back to Move Forward
Hey all! It's been a while since I wrote something here, and I'm here to let you in on the past few months of my life. Are you ready? Ok, buckle up because it's a bit of a bumpy ride. . .
Have you ever been at a place in your life where things are so good you start to forget how you got to that place of peace? Have you ever been so focused on where you are now that you forgot who brought you there? Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you start to take for granted the story you have to tell?
Have you ever been at a place in your life where things are so good you start to forget how you got to that place of peace? Have you ever been so focused on where you are now that you forgot who brought you there? Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you start to take for granted the story you have to tell?
I have. I'm in that place right now.
If I'm going to be brutally honest, I have been taking for granted the story of deliverance that God gave me to share with others. My battle with depression over the past few years was able to come to a close as He shut those doors and carried me through the battle I was in. Yet, for some reason, when life continued to get better and better I thought I was done growing and was fine on my own. I hadn't given up on trusting God, and I hadn't given up on praising Him for what He had done in my life, but I had come to a point where I figured I was pretty well off now and didn't need to continue asking for strength and guidance. I figured I had pretty well found my way to where I was supposed to be. Then one afternoon the holy spirit convicted me. You know when you walk into a glass door because you didn't see it? Yeah, like that.
I was sitting at my desk in my dorm room when I felt this sense that the holy spirit was trying to tell me something. This isn't something I experienced much, not since the Challenge Conference in 2016. While I was experiencing this I stood up and began to ponder what thoughts were coming to my head. I had this sense that God was telling me the next semester was going to be one that would stretch and grow me. I'm not kidding you, last semester was a breeze and I felt so great I thought I had it all figured out. You can say I got a little hot-headed about the place I was in at that point.
I went through the next week not thinking about it too much, until certain things began to happen. I had been praying about taking steps in a certain direction for a long time, and because I never seemed to hear anything I figured it was an "okay" from God to move forward. The crazy part was this: as soon as I was about to step towards this thing I thought God wanted for me, it slipped through my fingers and something even better appeared in its place. This was something I would never have thought about, if I'm being honest. This was a direction I didn't think God wanted me to go in.
I continued to finish out my semester strong and moved back home for Christmas break. While I was home some changes happened in my life that brought me to a place of joy, anticipation, and also anxiety. The steps I felt God urging me to take began to make me feel a sense of nervousness and anxiousness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I remember one night during Christmas break praying to God, "God, why are you bringing the past back to me? Why can't I just have this right now?"
That's when I moved back to school and it hit me right in the face. I thought I had moved past my struggle with depression and anxiety, but it turns out that that was not entirely true. When God led me to this new path that I hadn't even realized were there, He used that situation to help me see that my anxiety was not something that had gone away and I needed help. My depression was somewhat circumstantial, and through that journey God was able to strengthen me and grow me into the person I am now. However, it hadn't yet occurred to me that He was shaping me into who I am now so that I would be ready for the even more challenging battle I am facing currently.
For the past month I have been facing the most severe anxiety I have ever faced. Feeling like I am constantly trapped by my own thoughts of fear and the unknown is not easy when you're trying to navigate being 6 hours away from home and tackling 17 credit hours as well as multiple volunteer opportunities during the week. God gave me the warning that this semester would be a challenge for me, and I was not prepared for this.
I'm not going to lie about this, it has been incredibly rough. Trying to explain to people that I am not stressed out because of school and the workload is difficult. As a college student all your stress should come from homework and assignments, right? That's not the case for me. My anxiety comes from anything and everything, except school (weird, huh?) Most of the time it's things I love and enjoy that cause me the strongest feelings of hopelessness.
After weeks of feeling like I was in a hopeless maze of never being able to enter a phase of life I had a strong desire for, I continuously cried out to God, asking Him to remove this terrible feeling from me. My eyes were so fogged over with the terrible situation I was in that I was missing what God was doing around me.
I signed up for a 1 credit seminar for this semester that would certify me for Mental Health First Aid and teach me all about mental illnesses and how to help those in crisis. The crazy part was, while I was sitting in this seminar, God opened my eyes to show me the reason I was in that classroom. It wasn't just to learn about mental illnesses as a counseling major. It wasn't just for the 1 credit to add to my degree. While the professor talked through anxiety, he asked a question, and while students gave different answers one asked, "could overthinking cause a panic attack?" This may not seem like a crazy occurrence to anyone reading this blog, but to me, a thousand lightbulbs went off in my brain. What's even more crazy was that the answer the professor gave opened a million doors for me to begin to find out why all this anxiety had come back stronger than ever.
My professor talked briefly after that question about how ruminating (constantly thinking of worrying thoughts and overwhelming yourself) can send you into different forms of panic attacks. It all made sense. I'm never able to shut off my brain, and when certain things happen to me in life, I can't shut my thoughts off. When I'm anxious or worried about something, or even more when I'm fearful about something, I think about every possible angle and detail of that situation. I ruminate until I send myself into an anxiety attack and I can't talk any sense into myself. I focus on where the feelings could be coming from and find any and every reason to be anxious rather than concentrating on how to calm myself down and focusing on things that are real.
Some people deal with severe panic attacks, and I'm not talking those down at all. While my anxiety is mainly thought focused, I do have some minor physical anxiety attacks where my breathing increases, I can become slightly shaky, and I may even begin to have heat flashes (or cold flashes) depending on the opposing weather outside.
This isn't normal. I thought I was the only one who ever experienced this and I didn't think anyone would understand or know what was going on. I figured there was no helping it and I was stuck dealing with it forever. My fears were irrational and I had psychoanalyzed every detail so deeply that the only conclusion I could come up with was that God was telling me I was doing wrong things and was being punished.
I had different relationships fall apart and end because I was convinced that all this anxiety must be God telling me to leave it all because I felt anxious and nervous about everything. Looking back now, that was not so. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I didn't know that I wasn't the only one who felt trapped by thoughts.
After experiencing so much growth over the past year when I felt free from depression and anxiety, I was able to gain a better grasp on how to know if something I feel or hear is God or the devil. It's scary, but when you realize you're in a spiritual battle you understand the intensity of the situation you're facing. But what's even more intense is you realize just how BIG your God is!
It didn't take me long after my seminar to begin understanding what was going on. That following week for dorm devotions we spoke about mental health awareness and what to do about certain situations we face. By the end of that devotion God had made it very clear to me that this semester had been entirely planned out by Him to the very last detail.
By going to the Mental Health First Aid seminar I was able to learn I am not alone and what I deal with is common, and THERE IS A CURE AND HELP FOR ME. I began to understand what I dealt with and took continued steps for healing. After devotions that night I had an open door to seeking out additional help. I was able to go and speak with a pastoral counselor on campus who gave me some much needed spiritual encouragement. Beyond that, I also received resources beyond that for help with anxiety and options for recovery. I cried. I'm not lying, I was so overwhelmed with God's goodness and deliverance I just sat down and cried. The past few weeks leading up to that had been so hard, and I had begun to lose ahold of things I cared deeply about, simply because my anxiety had become so severe I didn't think I could ever enjoy those things in life.
After spending 2 weeks praying from the moment I woke up to the moment I would go to bed at night, because I didn't feel like I could cope on my own, God continued to open doors and lead me while I was stumbling along. There is a fantastic clinic 15 minutes away from my college that I am going to go to this upcoming week. I'll be able to talk to a licensed counselor and figure out what's going on, and in addition I will be able to get some medication to gain control of my thoughts and to calm my body down when it wants to overreact to situations.
I was terrified when I realized I am to the point where I need help beyond self-help and a change in diet or exercise. God brought me to a place where I would be directed to incredibly smart people who know what they are doing and can help me with my anxiety.
If this all happened to me 2 years ago when I was really in a rut, I would not have been strong enough to know how to handle myself, and I would not have been willing to take these actions for help. I have been blessed with friends here who are able to walk this road with me and encourage me as I take these next steps toward healing, even though I feel like I'm wearing a blindfold.
Why am I telling you all this? God is good. God is stronger than the battles we face. God is working everything out even before the situation arises.
I had not even began to feel the anxiety rising back yet, and God had planned that I would attend that seminar at the perfect time, I would have all these people around me who understand and can walk me through this, and I had an abundance of resources around me to go to for help and healing. I didn't realize this massive mental health clinic was here until 2 weeks ago when God began to open all these doors. Crazy.
As I write this post I encourage you to keep looking to God, and trust that He is working everything out in any situation you're currently facing. I honestly felt like He wasn't listening, and I even talked with my little sister on the phone one night and told her bluntly that I was mad at God for taking away my peace. Now that I've been through the darkness again I understand why He brought me through that. I may have not experienced that anxiety for a long time, but it was still under the surface, waiting for the right time to come back to life.
With my anxiety, I overthink friendships, relationships, any important decision, and psychoanalyze every feeling I have in my body. Was that a stomach ache? Oh, you can't do this. That's a sign that you are doing something wrong.
That's one simple example. I overthink every detail of everything and can't seem to enjoy the place God has me, and the experienced that I get to have. The smallest thoughts or images can send me into a spiral of thoughts I can't seem to escape. I can be fine one moment, but 5 minutes later I feel like my brain won't shut off and I'm terrified of losing the things I love.
One person encouraged me and told me just to live. When that anxiety comes, she told me to focus on the joy I have regardless of the situation I face. Don't focus on what could happen, but focus on what you have now and hold tight to that. Don't let your situation define if you are happy; be happy even in the darkness of a situation. Don't be so afraid of losing what you love that you don't enjoy the time you have it now.
I have hope that I didn't know I had before. It's difficult, and it's scary, but I know that God is walking with me.
Taking these steps is something I never thought I would want to do, but after seeing how God was trying to give me great things in life, but I was too anxious about every little thing to be able to enjoy them, I knew this wasn't something I could keep up.
Anxiety is scary, and to be honest, the idea of taking anxiety medication is terrifying for me, but I firmly believe that this is the path God guided me to. I had tried so many other things that didn't seem to do any good, and I didn't want to think of going to a doctor because I wouldn't admit to myself how severe my anxiety had gotten. I avoided the issue for so long, hoping it would go away, that it progressively got worse.
I had gotten so far ahead of myself in life, thinking I had it all together and could write my own story, that I missed what God was doing around me and when I finally looked to Him to see what was going on, He was already carrying me through the storm I hadn't noticed I was in yet.
The next few months will continue to be a bit of a challenge, but God has shown Himself to me in amazing ways the past few weeks, to the point where I trust Him to guide me through it. I know He has a plan for everything I have ever gone through and will ever go through.
I hope this is a bit of an encouragement to you. Life is challenging, and God will bring you through waters you had no idea you could navigate, but for every challenge He brings you through, He's shaping you for something greater. If I had never experienced what I did a few years back, I would never have been able to handle the situation I'm facing now. Changing your perspective to be able to look to the problem solver instead of the problem is a huge game changer. Look to the purpose of your storm, instead of the intensity of the storm. God won't let you go, and He definitely knows what He's doing.
I hope my story continues to encourage you. I wouldn't trade anything that has happened to me for the world. Being able to share my testimony is a big part of me being able to see how big God is. I may have taken that peace for granted I had before, but I recently came to a place of humility where I cried out to God and said, "If you take this burden from me, I don't ever want to take that peace for granted again."
Don't let the storms you're facing now pull you away from the one who can stop the storm.
~Sarah
"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
-Galatians 5:13
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