Growing Hurts, God Heals

Hey all!

It has been a while since I wrote. . . and I am finally back to blogging after a seriously needed break, and taking a step back from being under the spotlight while I figured some things out in life.

     First off, God is good. Can I get an amen? I am unbelievably blessed and experiencing God in ways I have never seen before. I'm in such awe that I almost don't know what to do with what I am learning and witnessing. . .
     Second, I ended last semester with such a strong passion for continuing my calling into ministry at Ozark after a few months of spiritual battles where I fought back and forth on where to take my life. I am pleased to inform any of you who were not aware that I am not transferring schools anymore and I am where God has called me.
     That same passion continued on throughout the summer and I was fueled daily with an excitement to come back to campus and continue to fuel the fire in the community I have grown to love beyond belief. Working in a secular environment all summer was rough at times, but God was faithful and reminded me in the hardest times that it doesn't matter what criticism I receive for being "different" from all the other college students who sleep around, get drunk, or hop around from one relationship to another. He has chosen me and called me to be a light in those places. I was able to share parts of my story with multiple coworkers and people this summer I never thought would ask or be receptive to what I had to say. I don't say any of this to brag, but only to show how God is faithful and how He is always guiding us if we seek Him and allow Him to work.
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     However, coming back to campus this year seemed like one hit after another. . . Within a week before moving back to Joplin in August, my dorm shut down for a year long remodel and we were all relocated to another dorm in an entirely new community of girls we barely knew, and a community of girls who had already established friendships together. Coming into that was terrifying and a shock. It took me for a turn, and that was only the beginning. 
     Within days of moving into school again, different parts of my life began to change and shift dramatically, which opened up the door to two and a half months of crazy and painful growth in my faith and how I love.
     I have learned so much this semester already that my head is spinning and I would have to write a book to explain what all I have learned about my calling as a believer, how I should be loving others (both those that I am friends with and those whom I struggle with) and how to share my story the best way I can with those around me.
     I will try to touch base on some of the most significant life changes and lessons I have experienced this semester already.
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     First of all, I realized I am so imperfect in many ways I never realized in the past twenty years of life, and the past two years of being a born again Christian. By the grace of God I have begun a journey of accepting myself and learning to see myself how God sees me.
     I have learned what it looks like to be open and receptive to constructive criticism from those around me. I cannot see my life from the outside, but those I live my life with know me better than I know myself some days. They came alongside me and worked with me so patiently (and sometimes impatiently when I was a pain. . . so most of the time) through a time of learning and frustration as I had to give up and shift major areas of my life to allow for God to guide me through transitions and mold me in beautiful and hard ways.
     I learned, that while I am often in a position of leadership or being looked at as a role model, I need to be make sure I am not the wisest person around me. I can always learn from others, and I should never stop growing or trying to better myself. I tend to take on the personality characteristics of those I am around whether these people are good influences or not. I had to take a step back and analyze my own actions and intentions for those I was spending my time with. Was there anything wrong with being around any of these people? Not at all. The problem was letting my guard down so much that I forgot to be that role model to any of the freshman I spent my time with and to remind them to stay focused on what matters and not to get carried away in the things of the world. After I took some serious time away to let God shift my focus, I was able to approach some of those same students and friends and pay close attention to how I act, why I act that way, and if I am being true to myself. Now we have friendships that encourage one another and show acceptance and grace in life.
     Nothing is wrong with me adopting the characteristics of those I am around, in fact it is part of the reason I am able to mesh so well with multiple different groups of people. The problem was when I was unaware of how their behaviors would influence me. This was definitely a new experience for me, but now I am able to look at these new students I live life with and see how God has already began to change them and mature them in Him for His glory. Do I get frustrated with some of the people I am around at least daily? Of course, but by the grace of God I am able to hold my tongue at times and examine my heart to remember that I used to be someone that was difficult to love, but a few special people chose to walk alongside me in my hard-to-tolerate days and walk me through the darkest days to my life now. We are not called to love the cool kids or to love those who like us. . . We are called to love and to show love to everyone, whether we like them or not, and whether they are difficult to love or not.
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     That is another lesson I have learned- loving those who we don't get along with or who don't like us. What does that look like to me? It used to look like ignoring them and acting like they didn't bother me so I wasn't a nuisance and they could live life without me in the way. . . and sometimes it included pretending like I had it all together because the people pleaser in me wanted so desperately for them to like me. How silly for me to think I can control what someone else thinks of me. . . I allowed it to go to my head so deeply that I began to shape my actions around how I would look to those people in hopes I would be accepted by them or admired for "who I was". Selfish and boastful much?
     It was incredibly humbling when one of my dear friends came alongside me and told me that she had observed I was not being my true self around some people, and when I heard those words I knew in my heart exactly what moments she was referencing. From then on I was able to take my prayers for my own life and shift them towards those I had a difficult time getting along with, or for those who didn't like me. I began to pray blessings over them every morning, and sometimes I would ask God to help them through specific situations I knew were coming up for them. I had learned months ago that praying for those you are not on good terms with can actually cause your heart to shift and you begin to appreciate them and love them more.
     Going off of that, while I may not be friends with some of these people, and they may not want to talk to me when I see them, I have learned that it is alright for that to happen. Loving someone doesn't mean I have to be close friends with them. I can love them by praying for them, not acting like a jerk around them, not doing things to deliberately hurt them or make them feel bad from afar, or even invading into their space. This has been one of the most difficult challenges thus far, but each day is a new learning process and I'm able to make it through when I remember that Jesus loved those he didn't get along with either. . .
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     From there I have also learned what trusting God looks like in a whole new way. Surrendering certain areas of our lives to God hurts in a way I cannot describe, but as I look at other mentors in my life and the past hurts I have experienced God used every one of those to bring me the sense of peace and thankfulness that I have today. My story hasn't been easy, nor do I want people to think I have it all figured out now, but when life is challenging and I don't like where God is taking me or what He tells me to give over to Him, I know in my heart that He is saying "trust me. . . I'm going to give you something even better than what you have now."
     Learning to apply trust to my life is something I thought I already had figured out. How I was wrong. . . We are never in a place where we know it all, cannot learn from anyone else, are too busy to hear from God, or too good to need input from others about ways we can change and grow. Being in a position of hearing from those who are wiser than us is one of the smartest things we can do to grow closer to God and grow in our faith. What better way to grow and mature than from listening to those who have gone through the same things or lived longer than we have?
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     Another major area of my life I have learned to give to God is how I handle friendships with other people. I am not perfect, nor are my friends and peers. I cannot expect other people to always make me happy, to never frustrate me, to never hurt me, and to always be okay with the things I do. I am a very loud, crazy, sarcastic, and often blunt person in the things I say and do. I have learned to be cautious in how I go about expressing my personality because I can hurt those closest to me without realizing it. I also need to be careful how open I am with certain people when it comes to sarcasm because not everyone is always receptive to certain jokes at a specific time, or maybe they are in a place where they are sensitive and may be offended by what they would normally find funny. I have had to understand that people go through things each day and will have days where things are off and I need to be able to step back and ask them what they need from me rather than assuming I can fix everything with a joke or dramatic behavior. I am dramatic and energetic most of the time with those I am most comfortable around, but not everyone is able to take that positively everyday. I have had to learn to check myself and look at why I feel the desire to express myself in this way so often. . .
     What I have learned is, because of the past few years when I suffered from depression and anxiety, I wasn't very happy and didn't have much in life to make me smile. So now I will take any opportunity I have to share life and joy with those around me and any excuse to laugh or smile.
    I thrive off of feeling the joy of the Lord now, especially in moments where I know I would be experiencing incredible sorrow if it weren't for the hope I have recently found again in God. When I look to how the situation I am in now plays into eternity, I am learning to let go and let God. Not all the problems we face are worth getting upset over or stressing over about. There are some things we just need to surrender to God and then continue on with our life.
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     Finally, learning how to give God my anxiety and worry was one of the first things I had to do this semester. For those who aren't aware, I am finally off my anxiety medication that I began taking in March of this year. I have been medication free for just about a month. A week or so into not taking the medication I experienced some not so great sickness and vertigo, which was about 2 weeks ago. I was in bed for a few days experiencing severe dizziness, nausea, and didn't have an easy time getting around or walking. I finally got my strength back and was able to get back to life as usual. I made it to a place where I no longer need medication. Praise God! I know some people are not able to share in that same feeling of relief I am, and I empathize with you in that, but I also encourage you to continue to have hope in God that He will use this situation for good even if it is different than my anxiety journey turned out.
     Will I still struggle with general anxiety on occasion? Yes, I am human and I will freak out and be nervous from time to time. Everyone is anxious sometimes. Everyone. However, I am learning not to dwell on things I have no control over and to limit my negative comments over things that don't have significant meaning or longterm effects on me. I don't use anxiety as an excuse in life anymore. Life stinks sometimes, but I have been so much healthier since focusing on the positive aspects of life and giving up those moments of annoyance and those desires to complain over something insignificant. Life is too short to sit and focus on the negative things. Its so much better when we focus on the good things in life and have the courage to step away from negativity to find fulfillment in the positive and uplifting areas of life. Sure, sometimes we need to vent or be upset, but we cannot let that define us or become what defines us. Our words, thoughts, and actions reflect what is in the heart.
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     Having a handful of close friends who are genuinely in love with Jesus, encourage me daily when I need it, show me what it feels like to be loved regardless of my imperfections, pray me through the night when all I feel is pain and fear, and let me show my raw side of tears, anger, and hope has been one of the blessings I never expected this semester. That verse "iron sharpens iron" has a new meaning to me today.
     What I was so nervous for in being forced to move to another dorm God used for good. I have learned to step out and be confident in who I am, not rely on others for what God alone can give me, and learned what it feels like to have a sense of peace in being on my own (whether that be going to church alone or spending the day without anyone around.) These are ways that God has revealed Himself to me, because months ago I was not in a place to do some of these things. . .
     Going to a church of 2,000 on my own some weeks can be intimidating, but each week I meet new people and have a sense of freedom to dive into the message and hear from God without the distraction of friends sitting beside me. Not expecting my friends to always know what to say or do when I'm going through trials was difficult, but feeling God beside me in ways others can't always be has been such a neat experience. God truly is our refuge.
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     The past two and a half months are over, but the next few months will continue to grow and shape me even more. Being okay with change and letting God take control of my life isn't always easy, but as soon as I place my situation or struggle into God's hands I experience relief, knowing that I am no longer responsible for the ultimate direction of my life. God is in control and if I look to Him in every direction, He will be there with his arms open wide ready to catch me when I fall and hold my hand when I walk through unknown territory.
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     I want to encourage you with this: if you are in a place of confusion, frustration, bitterness, or anything like that, don't close off your heart from God. Open yourself up to hearing from Him, other adults or even specific mentors in your life. . . When we place ourselves in a position to hear from God, He will speak if we only let Him.
     We are not meant to walk through life's challenges alone. He wants to walk with us and carry us when we don't want to deal with pain and anger anymore. Pray more than you want to, and don't hold back from what you want to tell God. He knows your thoughts already so be honest with Him and tell Him what you're feeling. Ask Him to use your situation for His glory and to grow you. Don't expect for God to give you what you want all the time. Be prepared for Him to bring others into your life who can speak truth to you, challenge you, urge you on, and encourage you when you want to give up. He doesn't give us the easy way out for a reason, and I am learning to be thankful for that.
     God didn't create us for individual faith but for community where we can surround one another and go through life together. In the moments of isolation and closing ourselves off from other believers and from hearing God's voice, those are the moments when the enemy swoops in and attacks us, filling our head with lies, confusion, and pain that often feels unbearable. Surround yourself with people you love and trust, and who have your best interest at heart, and who genuinely want to see you grow in faith and relationship with God, and watch your life significantly change and mold to be more like Jesus.
We are never too far gone to where God cannot help us.
We are never alone in this fight against evil.
We will never have it all figured out on our own.
We will never experience freedom from our trials without God.
We can't expect our lives to improve when we don't allow God to change, humble, and grow us.
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     I hope this jumbled collection of my thoughts and lessons from the past 2-3 months encourages and challenges you in some way.
I am so glad to be back blogging. I needed the break, but God let me know it was time to get back in the saddle, and after a few weeks of fighting it due to fear and conflicting thoughts, I opened my laptop and began to write.
     Thank you to my friends who encouraged me to do what God has called me to do, whether other people support it or like it. I have gained so much in life from hearing other's stories and from gaining new perspectives through devotionals, blogs, youtube channels, personal conversations with others, and through worship that I want to be able to share in my own way.
     For the first few weeks of school I didn't feel qualified to share my story anymore, and I was worried that people were annoyed with what I was saying and didn't care. . . I learned that God doesn't call the qualified, but He qualifies the called. . . I needed to double check my intentions for why I shared what I did, and take a break to work through personal situations. All semester I have learned to fight the battle where the battle is. . . but when God called me back to sharing my story I knew He would give me the words to say and the courage to be open and vulnerable, removing that fear of rejection from anyone who doesn't want to hear my words. I don't need for other to support or approve of what God calls me to do, because when God calls us to something we jump in completely and don't look around to what others think of us. Knowing God is with us and we are doing what He wants is enough.
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     "Grace be with you all." Hebrews 13:25

Sarah Joy