It's been a few months, but I've had multiple people encourage me to write a blog post about what I've been dealing with the past few months. This will not only update everyone on what my life looks like now, but it will also give me something to look back on as encouragement later down the road. Actually, this is what many of my posts have been for me thus far- I read them again a few months later and God speaks to me through what I wrote months before.
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Last semester I began to struggle with fear and anxiety again. Waking up with worst-case scenarios in my head. Falling asleep, terrified of what perfectly good choices I would regret in the morning. Frequent headaches from overthinking and from my brain never shutting off at any point. Feeling sick to my stomach because of the fear and anxiety. Second guessing all my decisions because I didn't want to regret them later on when my anxiety took over my body again.
When I'm in my right mind I'm joyful, laughing, courageous and overflowing with the truth that God is giving me through friends, His Word, sermons, my books, and music. When I'm overcome with fear I can't hold onto the truths that once brought so much comfort. I can't focus on anything except for what I'm afraid of or what I'm doubting. I become timid and don't make decisions like I normally would. I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety.
Over Christmas break I finally began talking to my family about what my fear was like. I finally opened up and let them walk with me through this journey to overcoming fear that I've been on for the last 5 years. Many days I would wake up shaking, sweating, panicking, and sobbing. I spent 2-3 solid days in on and off panic attacks, scared to death of making any rash decisions I would later regret because I was too afraid that I had made a mistake, something wasn't right, or I couldn't handle what I had chosen. This is when mom told me she thought I should go back onto my anxiety medication. . . So I called my doctor and made an appointment.
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Relationships. This is where my fear stems from the most. I have been so hurt by relationships in the past that I am not able to be in a relationship without anxiety and fear of what has happened before. In high school I dated someone for 2 years, and it wasn't very healthy near the end. I became depressed due to circumstances in my family, and I became anxious because I didn't have any help and I didn't know what I was dealing with.
After this relationship went back and forth so many times, I became more and more anxious because I was so afraid of being hurt again. I barely ever smiled. I was always tired. I was constantly having panic attacks. Finally the relationship ended.
As a result, anytime I would like a guy, go on a date with a day, or talk to a guy I would get incredibly anxious and fearful. I associated it for years with God telling me no. I retrained my brain to think this way. That is why I was so anxious in high school, because my anxiety told me this was God telling me to leave my boyfriend and I didn't understand why. Through these years of retraining my brain to think this way (unintentionally- I thought that I was right, but oh was I wrong. . .) This was not the case.
This was Satan attacking me through the most deceiving, and most personal way he knew how- through my relationships, something I hold dear to my heart. I've believed for the past few years that whoever God leads me to someday in marriage will be a strong believer and together we will do great things for the kingdom. I told my mom over Christmas break that I believe Satan is attacking me in the area where I am the biggest threat to him. I continue to believe this to this very day.
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Fast forward a few months, and I am still taking anxiety medication and I probably will be for another year or so as well as talking with pastoral counselors and working with close friends who can lead me through panic attacks and give me truth to hold onto in times when I doubt my decisions and want to jump ship for my circumstances in life because they seem to scary for me to face anymore.
I am currently in a serious relationship with an amazing guy. I have the best group of friends I've ever had in my life. College is coming to a close in the next year and I am beginning a new chapter of life. I am praying about a wonderful living situation that has come up and may offer my a great living arrangement for this summer and the rest of school in Joplin. I am also figuring out what jobs I need to work in the upcoming months to pay for school and a future.
Because of my fears, I second guess all these things. I second guess if I made the right decisions, when I know in my right mind I did. I second guess if things will fall through and I second guess if I'm good enough for the things I've been chosen for. I struggle almost everyday in one way or another, and I continue to face them one day at a time.
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Am I weak as a result of this? Definitely not. In fact, I view myself as stronger than I have ever been. I am not fighting God- I am fighting the enemy.
Ephesians 6:12 says that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
I am not fighting against whether I should date somebody or not. I am not fighting whether or not a living situation is a good fit for the next year and a half. No, I am fighting against the spiritual forces of evil in the world around me, targeting me in the most deceptive and personal way they know how to. This is scary, but it's real.When bad things go wrong in life and we are overtaken by evil in life, this is not from God. For so many people, we are oblivious to the fact that the struggles we face in life about depression, anxiety, and fear are not from God, but rather this is Satan's way of trying to throw us into a hole we continue to dig ourselves into. He works through the problems to try and distract us from what really matters. Depression is part of life. Fearful situations are part of life. But when Satan targets us with these things and attempts to steal our joy and peace, that's when I have a real problem.
Satan can't steal my joy. He can't steal my hope. He can't steal my peace. Those are mine. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. Hello! There is a no vacancy sign on this girl. Because I am filled with the Spirit, Satan can't touch me, so he throws fiery darts at me that target what I love and care about the most. This is where the Armor of God passage in Ephesians brings me so much hope.
Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about putting on the Armor of God so that when Satan attacks us, we will be ready. Spiritual Warfare is real my friends. We are so oblivious to what it looks like in real life. I've seen it so much at college because of the mission these students share. The last thing the enemy wants is hundreds of young adults going out into the world with a passion to reach the lost with the Gospel. He will do everything he can to distract us and take away our passion by discouraging us, filling us with fear, and making life as difficult as possible.
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So in my situation I have learned to look up instead of out. Rather than looking out at how big my decisions are and how scary my future could be, I look up at God and remember His promises. Promise is my word for the year. I hold onto the promises that God gives me, that He will never leave me or forsake me. I hold onto the truth that God will fight for me and deliver me from evil.
Each day this battle looks different. While my medication holds me back from the physical anxiety attacks, I still have constant thoughts of fear in my relationship, my future decisions, and my process of employment God has been so gracious and brought me the people in my life I need for this journey. From a loving family who is prayerful, supportive, and holds me when I cry all day. . . to a group of incredibly strong and Godly women who sit with me for 2 hours in the morning during a panic attack and read scripture to me and pray over me, and who remind me of the truth of who God says He is and who I am. . . to an incredible best friend and boyfriend who has walked with me for the past few months and shown me what being patient with someone who is struggling looks like. He has shown me Jesus in ways I've never experienced in a relationship before. He relies on God's strength to encourage me, and above all else he has a relationship with God that I admire and want to chase myself.
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I have prayed for a relationship that would reflect Christ for years. I had longed for and wished that someday I would be able to date a man who loved God first, and then loved me second. . . but I was always so scared that my anxiety and fear of relationships would push him away. Then I met Josiah.
I don't know what the future holds for us, but we know we have our eyes focused on God, and we know what we are walking towards in life together. Being able to walk life with this guy has brought me peace in a relationship I've never had, a confidence that my fears do not define me, and a sense of safety that he is not going to leave me because I have doubts or fears about us almost daily.
I can say with full confidence that God brought Josiah into my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he means what he says. I will admit it is difficult to feel worthy somedays, or to believe that I'm not a crutch because of my irrational fears that cause me to be hesitant in relationships and decisions, but he walks with me in absolute patience and relies on God's strength alone to help me and to remain strong himself. Between Josiah and my group of Godly best friends, God has given me a support system to hold my hand as I fight my battle against fear. He has equipped me for my battle and he is walking with me, protecting me, and guiding me with each passing moment.
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These people have walked me through some of my darkest days and pointed me back to the one who is in control. I hold them all deeply in my heart. They are gifts.
You will always have dark days. You will always have struggles in this life. You will always be fighting something. . .
But remember who you are fighting.
You are not fighting the physical things of this world. You are at war against the prince of evil who wants to see you fall and lose this battle you are in right now. But take heart, dear child. For Christ has already won this battle. He has already begun preparing a place for you in His Kingdom. Everything that Satan throws at you is his last attempt at winning the battle all of heaven knows he has lost.
With the Holy Spirit living inside of you, the sacrifice of Jesus behind you, and the God of angel armies going before you. . . You are equipped to face what Satan throws at you. Stay strong. Put on the armor of God. Chase the promises and truth of God. Surround yourself with believers who are strong in their faith and who can point you back to Christ. Hold onto the hope that someday all things will be as they were intended to be. Hold onto the hope that Christ reigns supreme and Satan will no longer have a foothold on you. One step at a time. One fight at a time. One prayer at a time.
Choose today to step out in faith over fear.
Let's do it together.
~ Sarah Joy
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