Its so good to be writing to you from my comfy bed at home in Iowa! This 4th semester of college was a year of incredible growth, and I am honestly sitting here in awe at all God has shown me and done for me since January alone.
Back in January, as I wrote in some previous posts, I was struggling pretty bad with anxiety again. It had taken a big toll on my school life as well as my social life. The only positive that came from that relapse of anxiety for me was realizing who the hand that held my way through it all belonged to. God brought me to a place where I was able to fully surrender to Him and follow the direction of the Holy Spirit.
Through this semester I have learned to recognize when the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do something or to turn away from something else. In addition to learning how to recognize this prompting, I have understood how to act on it and follow the call. . . This has been one of the most difficult but also rewarding things I have learned the past few months.
God has done so much for me in the past year of school, but this past semester was the most difficult, most rewarding, most emotional, most frightening, but also most beautiful. The people I have met and developed relationships with have blessed my life and I am so thankful for the community I have now. I have gained a much greater sense of peace and knowledge of how to slow down and simply be in the presence of my Lord. Even as I'm sitting here writing this post I am quietly listening to instrumental music with lights dimmed beside me, dwelling on the goodness of the Savior and feeling incredibly refreshed.
My best friend Gaby and my roommate Gracelyn both wrote me a sweet letter before I moved out of the dorms on Thursday. In these letters they both reminded me to slow down every once and a while. This is something I have always struggled with, but I have been challenged to practice. How rewarding it has been to be able to practice slowing my brain down and enjoying the present moment! I am so grateful for these wise women God has placed in my life who have challenged me and prayed over me in my moments of weakness and fear.
Another thing I have learned to take to heart the past month is my sense of self-worth and rewriting an identity based off of Christ and not what others around me say or what they are like. Being able to be confident in my own skin has been something I've struggled with since middle school after being teased so frequently for who-knows-what and having a diminished idea of who I was supposed to be. I have hidden behind a wall of sarcasm since I can remember, in order to block out any chance of being hurt. Through slowly breaking down this wall I have been able to keep my personality of sarcasm while being real with people and vulnerable when I'm hurting or need help.
One of the biggest things with breaking down this wall of sarcasm I hid behind for so long was admitting to myself that I was hiding from who I really wanted to be. I wanted to be sensitive and able to reach out for help, or to let people tell me that I didn't have to do everything on my own. . . but that was so difficult for me. Instead, I would do my absolute best to make everyone laugh and have a good time because I believed thats how I got people to like me, not by being who I felt God telling me I was.
Now I am able to confidently open up to friends with my struggles and have them pray over me; I can tell jokes and make people laugh because of the joy Christ has filled me with; I can cry when life becomes too much for me to handle on my own, or even when life is so beautiful I am filled with absolute happiness; I can be a light for someone else who has lost the way similar to how I once had; I can even shamelessly admit I am not perfect and words do hurt me, but I am able to look to the truth of who God's Word says I am.
How was this change possible? P.R.A.Y.E.R. Lots and lots of time spent in prayer and shutting out the voices that tell me I'm not good enough, or the doubts of failure. I am a perfectionist, and when I lose control of life I tend to freak out. When I let God take control and guide me, His Spirit guided me to a place of peace where I knew I could trust what He was doing and who He says I am. Sometimes I just had to speak truth over myself and verbally banish the voices in my head.
My room at school became a private war room where I prayed many prayers in the middle of the day, hiding from the pain outside the door. I would pray at my desk with tears streaming down my face because the fear was overwhelming. I would pray in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and the confusion of the world became too much. Yet, after a few weeks I began to pray throughout the day different prayers of thankfulness for the ways God guided, provided, and delivered me in ways I never would have imagined. So much of the purpose behind my past trials came to light through April and May, and I praise God for all of it.
I hope that whoever occupies that dorm room next is able to feel the Spirit when they're in there, because He was definitely with me through each tear shed and every laugh that was carried down the hall.
I am so thankful. I'm so thankful I can't list everything that God has done. I just want to encourage you to continue on and to fight the good fight with the Mighty Warrior by your side. He has already won the battle, so when you follow Him and hold His hand along the way, you can have faith that you are in good hands.
Never give up on this life. No matter how long and dark the tunnel you are in seems, there is always a brighter light shining on the other end. Every trial is followed up with a reward of some kind. Being able to view pain and hardship with that perspective has allowed my eyes to be open to seeing the growth happen in the moment instead of being so closed off to the idea of change and growth that I miss it all. Don't get me wrong, trials are still hard, but I have a sense of peace for the end and a faith that God is in control and He's taking care of me. Knowing it will all be for a greater purpose than anything I could imagine diminishes the confusion some days.
As I'm finishing up this post, the two songs Reckless Love by Cory Asbury and Tremble by Mosaic MSC come to mind. These are two of my favorite worship songs currently. They have seen me through some of my worst and best moments this semester. My roommate will tell you how much I have been playing and singing these songs the past month. I would walk into my room, be studying, talking about something, or even taking a nap, and all of a sudden just grab my guitar and sit on my bed and play these songs out with all my heart.
Worship has always been my key form of spending time with God, and these songs have been my way of doing that this spring. As I think about the lyrics to these songs I am emotional thinking about all God has done and all He will do. I sit in awe as I think of who He is and why He chose me to be a part of His plan.
I love the opportunity to sit and write my heart and thoughts out for all of you, and I love the support and encouragement I get from everyone who takes the time to read my words. You all have blessed this writing journey of mine, and I am grateful I get to share my testimony with everyone.
Go in peace, my friends.
~Sarah Joy
