Anxiety: the Not-So-Nice Bully

Hey all!

     As I've probably mentioned before, or at least in my description, I struggle with depression and anxiety. For those of you who know what that's like, but no one seems to understand, I understand completely. I was a joyful child, and I grew up being known for my smile. I loved to make people laugh and I still do! Life just got the best of me for a while.
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     When my anxiety first became more than just an occasional, normal thing, I wasn't even aware of what was going on. I just figured I had a lot of life changes to adjust to and it'd go away in time. Little did I know I'd become a very negative and downcast person to be around. I'd always seem to find things to complain about or stress over. I never seemed to be happy. The worst part? I still didn't realize that anything was different about me, but others did. Scary, right? I know.
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     Remember that friend I talked about in a past post who called me out on being depressed and worried all the time? Yeah, they're the whole reason that I even realized this wasn't just a small thing.
     While my depression was mainly circumstantial, I still allowed it to overtake my life. After receiving professional help and continuous prayers from family and friends, I've begun to gain a foothold against this bully in my life: anxiety.
     What does anxiety look like for me? Having a busy day ahead of me with little to do that really sounds fun; my family or friends not getting along; having nothing to do and overthinking about how my life has no purpose. . . (Yes, this sadly does happen quite frequently to me. . .) not being able to fall asleep at night; having to go pick up a pizza from Casey's for my family; doing something out of my comfort zone or something new; when people expect too much from me. . .  You name it. The list goes on and on.
     Now, how have I learned to deal with my anxiety? I haven't, not completely at least. I have a mental list of things to do when I feel panic or anxiety coming on, but the same coping type doesn't always work, even for the same anxiety trigger. Some of these coping skills include coloring, listening to music (try to avoid overly sad music or break-ups songs,) talking to an encouraging friend, taking time to myself to go for a walk, or a long drive (avoid busy streets or places where you can't completely relax,) spending quiet time in prayer, reading my Bible, and maybe journaling, and sometimes doing my homework helps relieve my anxiety simply to get it out of the way.
     I know some girls love to post on social media about how they always eat junk food, drink soda, and binge on ice cream when they're bored, upset, or stressed out, but that makes stress and anxiety 5x worse.
     One thing, specifically, I know would relieve so much of my tendency to have anxiety attacks would be to exercise more and watch my food selections. This is one of those really important things I know and I understand, but I really struggle to apply it to my life because it requires an actual lifestyle change, motivation, and accountability. Someday I really hope to make some of these changes in my life, but I will admit that it's harder than heck to up and change something like that. It's become something I think of more often as of late, so I know I'm getting closer to really making those changes to live healthier in order to be happier. C'mon, gotta balance out the chemicals in your body somehow!
     I've come to realize that speaking motivationally and encouragingly to myself builds self-esteem and relieves stress and anxiety from time to time. On occasion I find myself doing this to avoid the anxiety in general. More often than not I talk to myself when I'm alone or feeling lonely. I know it makes me sound like a freak, but I promise I'm not! It's kind of like loving who you are, and treating yourself like a best friend (and that's a good thing. . . right?)
     What's one thing specifically that helps me when I start to feel anxious or depressed? I remember who the anxiety comes from. . . Up until a few moments ago I was feeling pretty good; I'm on break from college, all my homework is done, I'm writing to you guys, today has been a relaxing day. Suddenly, I went on snapchat and was looking through the recent stories my friends had added. That's when I saw a story of someone I'm not friends with anymore hanging out with one of my good friends. . . My heart sunk and I instantly felt angry, sad, overwhelmed, and my heart began to beat faster and faster. I knew what would happen if I kept looking at it, so I put my phone down and I closed my eyes. I began to pray. I focused on my breathing and tried to slow it down. Then I thought about how I'd been fine up until I saw that snapchat. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, lemme tell ya. . . I realized that Satan wanted to steal my joy and peace away from me! Not. Cool. I've calmed down some, but my mind is still trying to think about what I just saw.
     I could sit here and dwell on one of my friends "going behind my back" and hanging with someone we both know is not a good person to be with (which technically isn't even going behind my back, I'm just frustrated because I don't like the person. That's not the way I should be thinking or acting at all,) or I could remember that it's really not worth getting upset over. Tough one, right?
     God wants to see His children joyful and happy. Satan wants to steal our joy and see us wallow in pain and hurt. Who do you think prompted me to go on snapchat a little bit ago? That's kinda scary when you think about it. . .
     When it comes right down to it, yes I am a little hurt by my friend hanging out with this person, (mainly after they said they never would again. . .) but I need to remember who gains the glory by my actions in this situation. Is God watching His daughter glorify God and live joyfully this evening, knowing that God is greater than any circumstance I have ever dealt with? Or is Satan laughing sinisterly, believing he's won tonight as he watches me struggle to hold onto my joy?
     I'm not going to lie, this specific anxiety has happened multiple times, and any other time before this I've completely lost it. I've begun to cry uncontrollably, text my friend and yell (aka text with ALL CAPS. . .) or scream at myself for things I've done wrong in the past. . .
     Ok, where did that last one come from? Oh, right. . . Minor detail: when I allow myself to dwell on my anxiety and to become overcome with anger and frustration, I end up living in that moment and focusing on any and all things that I've ever messed up on or that caused me lots of pain. That's another reason you really need to be cautious when it comes to opening yourself up to grief or feel pain. Is it worth it, or will you regret your actions in a day or two? In my case, I even regret going on snapchat tonight at all (even though I check it too often to have missed the story all together anyhow,) but my point is that had I freaked out and started overreacting about the situation, I would've ruined both our evenings more than either of us deserved. I'm still alive and I managed not to message anyone, either. Shocking. *said sarcastically* I'll mention the snapchat to my friend tomorrow at church calmly, but if I were to do that now (even with a calm tone of voice) that'd be wrong for multiple reasons: a) I'm not with them in person and it's not ok to handle serious things or have important conversations over the phone/text, and b) I may think I'm calm but I still need some time to forget about it in my head and sleep. Additionally, I do not want my friend to think I'm yelling, and if I text them, they have no idea to know how I'm carrying myself or how I'm acting/sounding. Don't be the person who texts someone else a "terms and conditions" length text that's full of negative or accusing things and add a smiley face at the end. That does not make it better. . . *face palm*
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     This may not seem like a serious situation to you, but to me it's something that takes me back a few months to a time of incredible pain. I won't go into details, but this person my friend is with tonight caused me great heartache a few months ago, and never seemed to realize it (regardless of me approaching them multiple times to explain,) making it hard for me to forgive them. . . Friendships are tough, but this one I have with my other friend is far too valuable to risk damaging by not having the self-control to wait and handle the situation tomorrow in person calmly and maturely.
     Now that I think about it, maybe God has a sense of humor and wanted to give me a recent example to apply to this post- Ha! *secretly hopes that isn't the case*. . .
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     All in all, anxiety is not something you should take lightly, but at the same time you can't allow it to control your life. Gone are the days I will blindly let anxiety lead me around like a horse and cart. It may have been different before I became aware of my anxiety and depression problem, but now that I know about it I cannot let my guard down. I'll work hard to live for Christ, and He will give me the rest I need.

"You're an overcomer! Stay in the fight till the final round. You're not going under, 'cause God is holding you right now. You might be down for the moment, feeling like it's hopeless. That's when He reminds you: You're an overcomer!"
-Overcomer by Mandisa

Thanks,
Sarah

Emotions Show Strength

Welcome back!

      Today I wanted to talk to you about the picture I have posted on the side of my blog. . .

"Be Kind, For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Hard Battle.

     I found this picture while browsing Pinterest one afternoon. At the time I found it I had been struggling with depression, and the words made sense to me.

     Most of my life I have been a relatively strong person, and when I felt weak I always wanted to keep it to myself. I have an older brother who I looked up to as my hero; he always told me that if I cried I was a baby or I was weak. At my age you believed that, so I made sure not to cry around others and to keep my problems away from people.

     This was not a good thing to learn. In friendships I began to struggle with showing major excitement or sympathy on occasion when something upsetting happened to one of my friends. Something I was called out for once was how I never acted super excited when I'd finally get to see one of my best friends after a few weeks. . . The day I was called out for that I really realized how hiding my negative emotions had affected my overall expression of anything.

     When I was in the deepest valley of my depression I never wanted to talk about how I felt. The difficult part was when my closest friends knew something was bothering me, but I wouldn't talk about it or talk to them about the pain. It was as if I expected them to know exactly how to help me feel better or to read my mind. At the time I didn't realize it, but that was completely accurate. If there was one thing I could tell myself when I was at that point in my life, it would be that showing my emotions is really showing my strength. It takes incredible courage to open up to someone else on the deep struggles you deal with. I wish I had known that earlier. . .

     If there was one thing I wanted to leave you with from this post, it's that you should never feel weak or say you're sorry for admitting you're not ok. People may tell you that you should keep sadness or anger to yourself, and while anger does not always need to be expressed, sadness definitely has a place within life to be expressed. Ignoring a certain level of sadness is like ignoring a fire outside your house. . . You convince yourself you don't need to tell anyone, and the fire burns down your house. . . That may sound extreme, but I am sure that hiding my emotions for so long damaged me severely. I still struggle with expressing sadness or happiness with even my closest friends. Oftentimes it's fake happiness because I've forgotten how to really be happy. . . Honestly, after years of unconsciously hiding all my feelings from everyone, it became second nature to me and I began to feel something much worse inside: shame and depression. This is not something that anyone should experience. . .

     I finally began to open up to my parents about how I'd been feeling, and my friends worried about my intensely. Something most people don't even know is that suicide would enter my mind frequently. . . Even though I was too scared to go through with it, it was even more scary that these were real thoughts I had about ending my life. . .

     I do not blame hiding my emotions alone on my depression, but I do know that learning to hide my emotions so well played a big part in why it took so long for me to even notice I was depressed or to get help. It was normal for me to not feel. . . That's hard to think about. . .

     I want to let you know that whatever you're feeling, whatever you're scared of admitting, and whatever lies you're allowing yourself to believe, you need to talk to someone you trust. . . You need to ask some friends to pray for you. . . You can even comment below your email, or ask me for mine specifically and I would love to pray with and for you! I dread the idea that anyone has to deal with much greater versions of what I suffer from now. . .

     After my best friend told me how worried my behavior and thoughts of suicide made them, they finally convinced me to attend counseling. . . He may have saved my life. God brought him into my life to help change my life. I am incredibly thankful for him. Never take friends for granted, especially those who are honest with you even when it's hard. . .

     My mom and I contacted a new christian counselor in the area, and I set up an appointment. . . She became an amazing friend and someone I looked up to and trusted. . . She helped me to understand the importance of feeling and expressing emotions, not overreacting to difficult situations, handling anxiety and stress, where my depression was coming from, and keeping my focus on God at all times. . . She influenced me so much that God used her to show me where He wanted me to take my life.

     For months I'd been ignoring His messages about becoming a Christian counselor. When I attended counseling, within 2 visits I knew there was a reason God had me there.

     I believe 100% that I suffer from depression and experienced all the pain that I have so that I could share my experiences here on my blog, with the people I meet, on my youtube channel, on social media with my posts, and someday as a christian counselor. I have a heart for young girls and young women, and I want to guide them through situations similar to mine by refocusing their attention to the Father in Heaven.

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     So why does this picture mean so much to me? Because now I understand the importance of expressing kindness to everyone I meet. They may be crying out inside for someone- anyone- to smile at them or give them a compliment. They may be contemplating suicide when they get home, and my simple "hi, I like your scarf!" may be just the phrase they need to hear. . .

     Remember that the people around us will know we are disciples of Christ by the way we love one another. . . This is something I need to work on every day, but it is so incredibly important!

     Love one another, friends. Love God. Love yourself. Love others.

     Love does crazy things. I believe love can change the world.

     "Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love..."

-Proof of Your Love by For King and Country

Thanks,

Sarah 

Through It All... It Is Well

Welcome back!

     As I mentioned in my first post, I want to be real on this blog. Even if no one really reads these posts, I still feel like I'm talking to someone and if even one person understands or can take something away from my experiences, then it was worth sharing.
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     I work at a grocery store, and normally I get along with and love my coworkers a lot. Tonight, although, was a rough night for me. For some reason I was picked on and messed with more than usual. . . I'm normally a very laid-back person, and I am easy to mess with because of my personality. I typically joke back or laugh at the jokes.
     Tonight, however, the words my coworkers were saying really hurt and offended me. . . Lately some of the guys have been suggesting that I'm someone who does certain things I do not think are appropriate. . . That by itself upsets me and makes me feel uncomfortable, but when more people start assuming the same things, my head begins to spin and my heart sinks a bit.
     Where are they getting these assumptions?
     I am a very reserved and conservative person when it comes to "partying," (i.e. eating too much sugar with a girlfriend during a Disney movie. . .) and not knowing much at all about drugs, smoking etc. I've just never seen a need or had the desire to get involved with any of those things. I also have no desire to get involved inappropriately with guys, a) because of what I believe morally and b) because the Bible states clearly these things are looked down upon by God. Obviously my coworkers will not all see my point of view, and sometimes that makes the situation harder.
     *said sarcastically* "Why aren't you laughing, Sarah? Aww, did we hurt your feelings? Hey don't you go to church or whatever? Why?"
     That may be overdoing it a tad bit, and I can't always remember what they say because I try to tune it out, but that gives you a bit of a taste of what my night was like. . . I understand that guys can be a little rude and mean unintentionally when they flirt, which some of them were very clearly doing, but that didn't make me feel good either. . .
     After my work shift was over I left the store and went to my car. Sitting in the driver's seat in silence for a moment before putting the key in the ignition, I just thought to myself, "Why do people pick on me?" I was just thankful to be alone and not have to deal with the constant swearing. I turned on my car and began to drive to Bible Study to meet with my closest friends.
     When I finally arrived at Bible Study, one of the guys asked us each how we were doing (wanting honest answers relating to spiritually and emotionally,) and when it came to me I answered honestly with what was on my heart and said tonight had been a bad night. I was picked on and judged. I dealt with crude comments and suffered a kick in my self-confidence.
     I've been blessed with great friends. They talked to me about ignoring what people say, and said they were sorry I had to deal with that. . .
     When we had finished an amazing night of Bible Study (we're going through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan- GREAT book! Read it if you haven't already! This is our second time!!!) I walked with my friends outside and we all drove our separate ways.
   Me being me, I obviously had a small overload of anxiety and stress as I drove away. Being alone and having no one but my thoughts is dangerous most of the time. . . I may have shed some tears, but that was a natural way for me to react to being hurt by people I thought were my friends. . .
     After I had calmed down and was able to think rationally about the situation, I had a chance for my mind to refocus on the one friend who will never let me down. You know who I'm talking about. The one who never leaves me; the one who never lies or hurts me; the one who always protects and loves me. My best friend, Jesus.
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     I woke up this morning, a little overwhelmed to have such a busy day: college classes until lunch, an hour break to change clothes and grab some lunch, then head to work for 5 1/2 hours. The best part of my long Mondays is always gathering with my best friends to talk about God at the very end, no joke. I look forward to our Bible Study all week. Those moments uplift me and leave me feeling refreshed.
     The one way I know to deal with waking up stressed or worried about the day is to stop and pray for a good day before doing anything else. After that I open up my phone to an app I've been loving! It's called "First5" and it's a Bible Study app geared towards young women and adults. It has a setting where you can create an alarm for the morning, and as soon as you shut off the alarm it takes you to your daily devotional to read for the day. The main point of the app is to help you spend your first 5 minutes of the day with God. Before you can get into your phone to check social media or look at notifications, you're already on the Bible app. I love this. It's perfect for me.
     You can assume that these 2 things helped refocus my mind towards what mattered for the day. I was ready to face my busy schedule with God by my side.
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     The more I thought about my difficult night at work, the more I began to realize that was the devil trying to ruin my good day and shift my focus away from God, (right before my Bible Study too- how convenient. . .) Having gained a new perspective and understanding of why this may have happened allowed me to climb out of my bucket of self-pity. Although, I was still curious as to where some of my coworkers got the assumptions they did about me. But who am I to wonder how the devil gets to those he messes with. . .? I've decided to try and relieve my mind from these unnecessary thoughts. (I said "try", never said it'd be easy or successful. . .)
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     Why did I share this lengthy and semi-confusing (and maybe seemingly insignificant) post you may ask? I don't believe I'm the only one who finds themselves in sticky and painful situations from time to time, or maybe more frequently. I decided to share my insights on the topic with you.
     1) First, when someone starts to talk about you negatively or spread untrue things around about you, pray about it and try not to overreact or allow stress to enter into your head. Do your best to stay calm; honestly, most people try to hurt us because they want to see how it will affects us, allowing for our pain to "lift them up". . . It's a messy situation, but it happens. Allow God to carry you. Rely on Him to guide you in your response.
     2) Don't rush into defending yourself. Oftentimes when we react in the moment we are not our best selves. Just as we are to prepare our hearts for worship before entering into church on Sunday, I feel as though we should take time to asses the situation and gain control of our thoughts before approaching someone about a situation such as these. I know it's hard not to immediately throw some clever comeback at whoever is spreading things about you, but in a few hours (or even minutes) there is a great chance you'll regret saying those things at all. . .
     3) Don't dwell on what they're saying about you. This is a big one! I know I personally struggle with this, more than I wish I did. Just like how we can't believe everything we hear about other people within a gossip circle, don't immediately assume that, just because someone is saying something about you makes it true or bad either. These people may be hurting and they're looking for a way to let it out, or maybe they only meant to be funny but it took a wrong turn. . . You can't always know for sure.
     I've seen it before where someone was criticized for something they did, but the criticizer used a trait of their's that wasn't even negative. . . But as soon as this person was called out for it, they decided in their head that it must not be a good thing. . .
     I'm a talk-a-holic (as displayed in this post.) Any of my friends will tell you I have a love for talking. I love to have conversations with people, and when I get excited or passionate about what I'm saying, I start to talk with my hands. (You chatty people know what I'm talking about!) I've been called out for my fast talking before as well as how much I talk. I wouldn't say these things are defined as negative, they're just who I am. They're part of what makes me Sarah. Sadly, though, after just a few times of being called out for it, I registered my talking as a bad thing. . . I began to do my best not to talk very much, and after a while I even started to just sit glum in a group for fear of being called out on something that made me who I am. I wasn't being my true self; I was allowing the thoughts of others to define who I should be.
     I guess what I'm trying to say here is don't always let what a bully or gossiper says about you dwell in your head very long. You know who you are, and if you like who you are, then others should accept you for who you are too! Who cares what those other people think; they probably don't even know you very well to begin with.
     Stay confident in who you are in Christ and remember to pray for strength and wisdom before, in, and after those situations arise. You'd be surprised to find that you don't feel so overwhelmed or stressed out when they happen- sometimes, when I've been praying in advance for a day I already know might take a toll on me, when I'm crawling into bed I realize that everything was totally fine!
     God is always with us, and not for a moment will He ever take His eyes off of us. That's one of the best things, I think, about God. . . Isn't He so great?! We're so blessed. . .

     I hope you taken something away from my long blabbering post! I just had so many thoughts I wanted to share with my readers tonight!

     God bless,

     "This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world. . . Whatever you've been told. . . You're worth MORE than GOLD!"
-Gold by Britt Nicole

     Sarah

The Right Song At The Right Time

Welcome back!

     I love to write encouraging and deep posts on my FaceBook and Instagram pages. I'm not even sure why. Do I just talk too much and this is how I can share my thoughts when no one is around? Not sure, I just love to write them so I do!

     This past Summer I found the number of these posts increasing and I noticed that people really absorbed what I had to say and appreciated them. Whenever I was in the middle of a lengthy Instagram post I kept saying to myself,

     "Now, Sarah, why don't you just start a blog and you can write however much gibberish that you want to?"

     This was a reoccurring question I kept asking myself, especially when I'd sit and dwell on how I could reach more people with what I had to say. As it turns out, this is one of the main reasons I finally sat down and began this blog. I had put it off because of fear, and not believing I could do this. But I know better than to try and run away from what God wants me to do. . .

     I wrote one of my lengthy Instagram posts right after I had returned from the Challenge Conference in Louisville, Kentucky this past Summer. I was at the conference during the 4th of July and I had originally planned to post a breathtaking video of the sunset across the lake as I drove over a long bridge at night, but with everything that happened while I was there I ended up forgetting until a week later. I wanted to share my thoughts on thankfulness and a load of other deep thoughts I had at the time.

     I wanted to remind my followers that even on days besides Independence Day we need to remember to be thankful. Not just thankful for the freedom to pray publicly, but thankful for everything we've been given as humans that we will never deserve, no matter what we do or say.

     I wanted to remind everyone that, "YOU. ARE. CHOSEN." Jesus Christ did not just die a brutal death for nothing; Jesus Christ died on the cross so every single person individually could have the chance to experience eternal life with Him. Even then He knew exactly who He gave His life up for. . .

     The night I captured the video I was out for a long drive alone, listening to music and asking God, "WHY?!" Why was He giving me so much to deal with and taking things that I loved away from me? Maybe someday I'll go more into detail about everything that was going on with me, but for now I'm still working through all these crazy life changes and painful experiences with God. . . My iPod was on shuffle mode, and it was one of those "right song at the right moment" deals where as soon as I looked up at the sunset God selected a certain song to play through my car radio and it touched my heart. . . It was like God was singing it to me Himself. . . (Except it was a girl singing. . . *insert subtle cough* but that's beside the point!)

      I had taken the video of the sunset with the song playing in the background as a reminder that God uses our weakest moments to reveal the largest chunks of truth to us. . .

     God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers  and He removes things from our lives to give us something even better. Nothing is too difficult or too small for God to do! He always comes through, and He always has something better in mind for us than we do. . .

     The video of the lake reminds me that sometimes, when our lives are full of crashing waves and water splashing up into your face, Jesus is looking at the overall picture and thinking, "This is going to be beautiful. . ."

     We are the same when it comes to admiring the crashing waves of the lake. Before we know it, the waters will be quiet again and all will be well. . .

     I encourage all of you, no matter where you in in your walk with God, (or even if you don't personally have one,) never wait until the storm to dive deep into the Word of God and soak in His truth! Absorb His love and faithfulness. . .

     I hope whenever you see a lake or the ocean you remember to be thankful. . . Be thankful for the freedom to pray, the unconditional love God has for all of His children, and the trials of this life that shape us into better people. . .

     My God is good all the time, and all the time He is good! 💕

     Thanks for reading,

     "We are the light of the world, and we gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine!"

-We Are by Kari Jobe

     Sarah

Welcome To My Journey!

Welcome to my blog!

     Growing up I began and failed to continue many blogs. I believe those blogs never worked out because they weren't in God's plan... Lately I have been feeling God tugging on my heart to seek Him and find new ways to reach the young women I so desperately want to show God's love to. After spending time in prayer and ignoring the thought due to past failure, I've finally taken this next step towards following God's path for me.
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     My story is slightly different from your typical Christian's. While I did grow up with a Christian family, I go to church every Sunday, and accepted Jesus at a young age, it wasn't until this past summer of 2016 that I truly made my faith my own. After going through many days of tragedy and pain, I began to walk farther and farther from joy and remembering my worth in Jesus. At the EFCA Challenge Conference this Summer God revealed Himself to me on a new level.
     I started out at the conference hoping I could forget about the pain at home and live a "happy" life for a week. On the contrary, God had different plans for me. That very week the pain grew very difficult for me to handle, and during one of the sessions in the middle of the week, God met me where I was at. The speaker had just stressed how important it is to realize the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is the same Spirit that can/does live in us. It was only after that sermon that I began to view things differently...
     My God is the same God who performed all those miracles thousands of years ago, and the same God who created the world! He believed the world needed a Sarah... I began to feel overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit, and for the very first time in months I felt all my stress, anxiety, and worry disappear for a few moments... In that very spot I recommitted my life to Christ and began to sob. I felt like a new Christian. I felt like I had just met Christ for the very first time. The rest of the week I absorbed the rest of the messages and took in every service project.         
     Coming home was hard, and I'll admit the fire began to burn out. Thankfully, God grabbed ahold of my heart again and I began to seek Him more and more on my own. I desire to have friends who will continue to push me towards God and remind me of my worth in Him. I am not a perfect Christian, nor do I know exactly what I am doing, but I know He is with me constantly, guiding me where He needs me to go.
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Thank you for joining me, here! I hope to be back soon to write more!

"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control..."
-Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson

Sarah