Anxiety: the Not-So-Nice Bully

Hey all!

     As I've probably mentioned before, or at least in my description, I struggle with depression and anxiety. For those of you who know what that's like, but no one seems to understand, I understand completely. I was a joyful child, and I grew up being known for my smile. I loved to make people laugh and I still do! Life just got the best of me for a while.
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     When my anxiety first became more than just an occasional, normal thing, I wasn't even aware of what was going on. I just figured I had a lot of life changes to adjust to and it'd go away in time. Little did I know I'd become a very negative and downcast person to be around. I'd always seem to find things to complain about or stress over. I never seemed to be happy. The worst part? I still didn't realize that anything was different about me, but others did. Scary, right? I know.
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     Remember that friend I talked about in a past post who called me out on being depressed and worried all the time? Yeah, they're the whole reason that I even realized this wasn't just a small thing.
     While my depression was mainly circumstantial, I still allowed it to overtake my life. After receiving professional help and continuous prayers from family and friends, I've begun to gain a foothold against this bully in my life: anxiety.
     What does anxiety look like for me? Having a busy day ahead of me with little to do that really sounds fun; my family or friends not getting along; having nothing to do and overthinking about how my life has no purpose. . . (Yes, this sadly does happen quite frequently to me. . .) not being able to fall asleep at night; having to go pick up a pizza from Casey's for my family; doing something out of my comfort zone or something new; when people expect too much from me. . .  You name it. The list goes on and on.
     Now, how have I learned to deal with my anxiety? I haven't, not completely at least. I have a mental list of things to do when I feel panic or anxiety coming on, but the same coping type doesn't always work, even for the same anxiety trigger. Some of these coping skills include coloring, listening to music (try to avoid overly sad music or break-ups songs,) talking to an encouraging friend, taking time to myself to go for a walk, or a long drive (avoid busy streets or places where you can't completely relax,) spending quiet time in prayer, reading my Bible, and maybe journaling, and sometimes doing my homework helps relieve my anxiety simply to get it out of the way.
     I know some girls love to post on social media about how they always eat junk food, drink soda, and binge on ice cream when they're bored, upset, or stressed out, but that makes stress and anxiety 5x worse.
     One thing, specifically, I know would relieve so much of my tendency to have anxiety attacks would be to exercise more and watch my food selections. This is one of those really important things I know and I understand, but I really struggle to apply it to my life because it requires an actual lifestyle change, motivation, and accountability. Someday I really hope to make some of these changes in my life, but I will admit that it's harder than heck to up and change something like that. It's become something I think of more often as of late, so I know I'm getting closer to really making those changes to live healthier in order to be happier. C'mon, gotta balance out the chemicals in your body somehow!
     I've come to realize that speaking motivationally and encouragingly to myself builds self-esteem and relieves stress and anxiety from time to time. On occasion I find myself doing this to avoid the anxiety in general. More often than not I talk to myself when I'm alone or feeling lonely. I know it makes me sound like a freak, but I promise I'm not! It's kind of like loving who you are, and treating yourself like a best friend (and that's a good thing. . . right?)
     What's one thing specifically that helps me when I start to feel anxious or depressed? I remember who the anxiety comes from. . . Up until a few moments ago I was feeling pretty good; I'm on break from college, all my homework is done, I'm writing to you guys, today has been a relaxing day. Suddenly, I went on snapchat and was looking through the recent stories my friends had added. That's when I saw a story of someone I'm not friends with anymore hanging out with one of my good friends. . . My heart sunk and I instantly felt angry, sad, overwhelmed, and my heart began to beat faster and faster. I knew what would happen if I kept looking at it, so I put my phone down and I closed my eyes. I began to pray. I focused on my breathing and tried to slow it down. Then I thought about how I'd been fine up until I saw that snapchat. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes, lemme tell ya. . . I realized that Satan wanted to steal my joy and peace away from me! Not. Cool. I've calmed down some, but my mind is still trying to think about what I just saw.
     I could sit here and dwell on one of my friends "going behind my back" and hanging with someone we both know is not a good person to be with (which technically isn't even going behind my back, I'm just frustrated because I don't like the person. That's not the way I should be thinking or acting at all,) or I could remember that it's really not worth getting upset over. Tough one, right?
     God wants to see His children joyful and happy. Satan wants to steal our joy and see us wallow in pain and hurt. Who do you think prompted me to go on snapchat a little bit ago? That's kinda scary when you think about it. . .
     When it comes right down to it, yes I am a little hurt by my friend hanging out with this person, (mainly after they said they never would again. . .) but I need to remember who gains the glory by my actions in this situation. Is God watching His daughter glorify God and live joyfully this evening, knowing that God is greater than any circumstance I have ever dealt with? Or is Satan laughing sinisterly, believing he's won tonight as he watches me struggle to hold onto my joy?
     I'm not going to lie, this specific anxiety has happened multiple times, and any other time before this I've completely lost it. I've begun to cry uncontrollably, text my friend and yell (aka text with ALL CAPS. . .) or scream at myself for things I've done wrong in the past. . .
     Ok, where did that last one come from? Oh, right. . . Minor detail: when I allow myself to dwell on my anxiety and to become overcome with anger and frustration, I end up living in that moment and focusing on any and all things that I've ever messed up on or that caused me lots of pain. That's another reason you really need to be cautious when it comes to opening yourself up to grief or feel pain. Is it worth it, or will you regret your actions in a day or two? In my case, I even regret going on snapchat tonight at all (even though I check it too often to have missed the story all together anyhow,) but my point is that had I freaked out and started overreacting about the situation, I would've ruined both our evenings more than either of us deserved. I'm still alive and I managed not to message anyone, either. Shocking. *said sarcastically* I'll mention the snapchat to my friend tomorrow at church calmly, but if I were to do that now (even with a calm tone of voice) that'd be wrong for multiple reasons: a) I'm not with them in person and it's not ok to handle serious things or have important conversations over the phone/text, and b) I may think I'm calm but I still need some time to forget about it in my head and sleep. Additionally, I do not want my friend to think I'm yelling, and if I text them, they have no idea to know how I'm carrying myself or how I'm acting/sounding. Don't be the person who texts someone else a "terms and conditions" length text that's full of negative or accusing things and add a smiley face at the end. That does not make it better. . . *face palm*
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     This may not seem like a serious situation to you, but to me it's something that takes me back a few months to a time of incredible pain. I won't go into details, but this person my friend is with tonight caused me great heartache a few months ago, and never seemed to realize it (regardless of me approaching them multiple times to explain,) making it hard for me to forgive them. . . Friendships are tough, but this one I have with my other friend is far too valuable to risk damaging by not having the self-control to wait and handle the situation tomorrow in person calmly and maturely.
     Now that I think about it, maybe God has a sense of humor and wanted to give me a recent example to apply to this post- Ha! *secretly hopes that isn't the case*. . .
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     All in all, anxiety is not something you should take lightly, but at the same time you can't allow it to control your life. Gone are the days I will blindly let anxiety lead me around like a horse and cart. It may have been different before I became aware of my anxiety and depression problem, but now that I know about it I cannot let my guard down. I'll work hard to live for Christ, and He will give me the rest I need.

"You're an overcomer! Stay in the fight till the final round. You're not going under, 'cause God is holding you right now. You might be down for the moment, feeling like it's hopeless. That's when He reminds you: You're an overcomer!"
-Overcomer by Mandisa

Thanks,
Sarah