Welcome back!
Today I wanted to talk to you about the picture I have posted on the side of my blog. . .
"Be Kind, For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Hard Battle.
I found this picture while browsing Pinterest one afternoon. At the time I found it I had been struggling with depression, and the words made sense to me.
Most of my life I have been a relatively strong person, and when I felt weak I always wanted to keep it to myself. I have an older brother who I looked up to as my hero; he always told me that if I cried I was a baby or I was weak. At my age you believed that, so I made sure not to cry around others and to keep my problems away from people.
This was not a good thing to learn. In friendships I began to struggle with showing major excitement or sympathy on occasion when something upsetting happened to one of my friends. Something I was called out for once was how I never acted super excited when I'd finally get to see one of my best friends after a few weeks. . . The day I was called out for that I really realized how hiding my negative emotions had affected my overall expression of anything.
When I was in the deepest valley of my depression I never wanted to talk about how I felt. The difficult part was when my closest friends knew something was bothering me, but I wouldn't talk about it or talk to them about the pain. It was as if I expected them to know exactly how to help me feel better or to read my mind. At the time I didn't realize it, but that was completely accurate. If there was one thing I could tell myself when I was at that point in my life, it would be that showing my emotions is really showing my strength. It takes incredible courage to open up to someone else on the deep struggles you deal with. I wish I had known that earlier. . .
If there was one thing I wanted to leave you with from this post, it's that you should never feel weak or say you're sorry for admitting you're not ok. People may tell you that you should keep sadness or anger to yourself, and while anger does not always need to be expressed, sadness definitely has a place within life to be expressed. Ignoring a certain level of sadness is like ignoring a fire outside your house. . . You convince yourself you don't need to tell anyone, and the fire burns down your house. . . That may sound extreme, but I am sure that hiding my emotions for so long damaged me severely. I still struggle with expressing sadness or happiness with even my closest friends. Oftentimes it's fake happiness because I've forgotten how to really be happy. . . Honestly, after years of unconsciously hiding all my feelings from everyone, it became second nature to me and I began to feel something much worse inside: shame and depression. This is not something that anyone should experience. . .
I finally began to open up to my parents about how I'd been feeling, and my friends worried about my intensely. Something most people don't even know is that suicide would enter my mind frequently. . . Even though I was too scared to go through with it, it was even more scary that these were real thoughts I had about ending my life. . .
I do not blame hiding my emotions alone on my depression, but I do know that learning to hide my emotions so well played a big part in why it took so long for me to even notice I was depressed or to get help. It was normal for me to not feel. . . That's hard to think about. . .
I want to let you know that whatever you're feeling, whatever you're scared of admitting, and whatever lies you're allowing yourself to believe, you need to talk to someone you trust. . . You need to ask some friends to pray for you. . . You can even comment below your email, or ask me for mine specifically and I would love to pray with and for you! I dread the idea that anyone has to deal with much greater versions of what I suffer from now. . .
After my best friend told me how worried my behavior and thoughts of suicide made them, they finally convinced me to attend counseling. . . He may have saved my life. God brought him into my life to help change my life. I am incredibly thankful for him. Never take friends for granted, especially those who are honest with you even when it's hard. . .
My mom and I contacted a new christian counselor in the area, and I set up an appointment. . . She became an amazing friend and someone I looked up to and trusted. . . She helped me to understand the importance of feeling and expressing emotions, not overreacting to difficult situations, handling anxiety and stress, where my depression was coming from, and keeping my focus on God at all times. . . She influenced me so much that God used her to show me where He wanted me to take my life.
For months I'd been ignoring His messages about becoming a Christian counselor. When I attended counseling, within 2 visits I knew there was a reason God had me there.
I believe 100% that I suffer from depression and experienced all the pain that I have so that I could share my experiences here on my blog, with the people I meet, on my youtube channel, on social media with my posts, and someday as a christian counselor. I have a heart for young girls and young women, and I want to guide them through situations similar to mine by refocusing their attention to the Father in Heaven.
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So why does this picture mean so much to me? Because now I understand the importance of expressing kindness to everyone I meet. They may be crying out inside for someone- anyone- to smile at them or give them a compliment. They may be contemplating suicide when they get home, and my simple "hi, I like your scarf!" may be just the phrase they need to hear. . .
Remember that the people around us will know we are disciples of Christ by the way we love one another. . . This is something I need to work on every day, but it is so incredibly important!
Love one another, friends. Love God. Love yourself. Love others.
Love does crazy things. I believe love can change the world.
"Let my life be the proof, the proof of your love..."
-Proof of Your Love by For King and Country
Thanks,
Sarah
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