Faith over Fear

Hey all! Welcome back to my blog.

It's been a few months, but I've had multiple people encourage me to write a blog post about what I've been dealing with the past few months. This will not only update everyone on what my life looks like now, but it will also give me something to look back on as encouragement later down the road. Actually, this is what many of my posts have been for me thus far- I read them again a few months later and God speaks to me through what I wrote months before.
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     Last semester I began to struggle with fear and anxiety again. Waking up with worst-case scenarios in my head. Falling asleep, terrified of what perfectly good choices I would regret in the morning. Frequent headaches from overthinking and from my brain never shutting off at any point. Feeling sick to my stomach because of the fear and anxiety. Second guessing all my decisions because I didn't want to regret them later on when my anxiety took over my body again.
     When I'm in my right mind I'm joyful, laughing, courageous  and overflowing with the truth that God is giving me through friends, His Word, sermons, my books, and music. When I'm overcome with fear I can't hold onto the truths that once brought so much comfort. I can't focus on anything except for what I'm afraid of or what I'm doubting. I become timid and don't make decisions like I normally would. I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety.
     Over Christmas break I finally began talking to my family about what my fear was like. I finally opened up and let them walk with me through this journey to overcoming fear that I've been on for the last 5 years. Many days I would wake up shaking, sweating, panicking, and sobbing. I spent 2-3 solid days in on and off panic attacks, scared to death of making any rash decisions I would later regret because I was too afraid that I had made a mistake, something wasn't right, or I couldn't handle what I had chosen. This is when mom told me she thought I should go back onto my anxiety medication. . . So I called my doctor and made an appointment.
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     Relationships. This is where my fear stems from the most. I have been so hurt by relationships in the past that I am not able to be in a relationship without anxiety and fear of what has happened before. In high school I dated someone for 2 years, and it wasn't very healthy near the end. I became depressed due to circumstances in my family, and I became anxious because I didn't have any help and I didn't know what I was dealing with.
     After this relationship went back and forth so many times, I became more and more anxious because I was so afraid of being hurt again. I barely ever smiled. I was always tired. I was constantly having panic attacks. Finally the relationship ended.
     As a result, anytime I would like a guy, go on a date with a day, or talk to a guy I would get incredibly anxious and fearful. I associated it for years with God telling me no. I retrained my brain to think this way. That is why I was so anxious in high school, because my anxiety told me this was God telling me to leave my boyfriend and I didn't understand why. Through these years of retraining my brain to think this way (unintentionally- I thought that I was right, but oh was I wrong. . .) This was not the case.
     This was Satan attacking me through the most deceiving, and most personal way he knew how- through my relationships, something I hold dear to my heart. I've believed for the past few years that whoever God leads me to someday in marriage will be a strong believer and together we will do great things for the kingdom. I told my mom over Christmas break that I believe Satan is attacking me in the area where I am the biggest threat to him. I continue to believe this to this very day.
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     Fast forward a few months, and I am still taking anxiety medication and I probably will be for another year or so as well as talking with pastoral counselors and working with close friends who can lead me through panic attacks and give me truth to hold onto in times when I doubt my decisions and want to jump ship for my circumstances in life because they seem to scary for me to face anymore.
     I am currently in a serious relationship with an amazing guy. I have the best group of friends I've ever had in my life. College is coming to a close in the next year and I am beginning a new chapter of life. I am praying about a wonderful living situation that has come up and may offer my a great living arrangement for this summer and the rest of school in Joplin. I am also figuring out what jobs I need to work in the upcoming months to pay for school and a future.
     Because of my fears, I second guess all these things. I second guess if I made the right decisions, when I know in my right mind I did. I second guess if things will fall through and I second guess if I'm good enough for the things I've been chosen for. I struggle almost everyday in one way or another, and I continue to face them one day at a time.
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     Am I weak as a result of this? Definitely not. In fact, I view myself as stronger than I have ever been. I am not fighting God- I am fighting the enemy.

Ephesians 6:12 says that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

     I am not fighting against whether I should date somebody or not. I am not fighting whether or not a living situation is a good fit for the next year and a half. No, I am fighting against the spiritual forces of evil in the world around me, targeting me in the most deceptive and personal way they know how to. This is scary, but it's real.
     When bad things go wrong in life and we are overtaken by evil in life, this is not from God. For so many people, we are oblivious to the fact that the struggles we face in life about depression, anxiety, and fear are not from God, but rather this is Satan's way of trying to throw us into a hole we continue to dig ourselves into. He works through the problems to try and distract us from what really matters. Depression is part of life. Fearful situations are part of life. But when Satan targets us with these things and attempts to steal our joy and peace, that's when I have a real problem.
     Satan can't steal my joy. He can't steal my hope. He can't steal my peace. Those are mine. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. Hello! There is a no vacancy sign on this girl. Because I am filled with the Spirit, Satan can't touch me, so he throws fiery darts at me that target what I love and care about the most. This is where the Armor of God passage in Ephesians brings me so much hope.
     Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about putting on the Armor of God so that when Satan attacks us, we will be ready. Spiritual Warfare is real my friends. We are so oblivious to what it looks like in real life. I've seen it so much at college because of the mission these students share. The last thing the enemy wants is hundreds of young adults going out into the world with a passion to reach the lost with the Gospel. He will do everything he can to distract us and take away our passion by discouraging us, filling us with fear, and making life as difficult as possible.
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     So in my situation I have learned to look up instead of out. Rather than looking out at how big my decisions are and how scary my future could be, I look up at God and remember His promises. Promise is my word for the year. I hold onto the promises that God gives me, that He will never leave me or forsake me. I hold onto the truth that God will fight for me and deliver me from evil.
     Each day this battle looks different. While my medication holds me back from the physical anxiety attacks, I still have constant thoughts of fear in my relationship, my future decisions, and my process of employment  God has been so gracious and brought me the people in my life I need for this journey. From a loving family who is prayerful, supportive, and holds me when I cry all day. . . to a group of incredibly strong and Godly women who sit with me for 2 hours in the morning during a panic attack and read scripture to me and pray over me, and who remind me of the truth of who God says He is and who I am. . . to an incredible best friend and boyfriend who has walked with me for the past few months and shown me what being patient with someone who is struggling looks like. He has shown me Jesus in ways I've never experienced in a relationship before. He relies on God's strength to encourage me, and above all else he has a relationship with God that I admire and want to chase myself.
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     I have prayed for a relationship that would reflect Christ for years. I had longed for and wished that someday I would be able to date a man who loved God first, and then loved me second. . . but I was always so scared that my anxiety and fear of relationships would push him away. Then I met Josiah.
     I don't know what the future holds for us, but we know we have our eyes focused on God, and we know what we are walking towards in life together. Being able to walk life with this guy has brought me peace in a relationship I've never had, a confidence that my fears do not define me, and a sense of safety that he is not going to leave me because I have doubts or fears about us almost daily.
     I can say with full confidence that God brought Josiah into my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he means what he says. I will admit it is difficult to feel worthy somedays, or to believe that I'm not a crutch because of my irrational fears that cause me to be hesitant in relationships and decisions, but he walks with me in absolute patience and relies on God's strength alone to help me and to remain strong himself. Between Josiah and my group of Godly best friends, God has given me a support system to hold my hand as I fight my battle against fear. He has equipped me for my battle and he is walking with me, protecting me, and guiding me with each passing moment.
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     These people have walked me through some of my darkest days and pointed me back to the one who is in control. I hold them all deeply in my heart. They are gifts.

Something I want to leave you with is this:

You will always have dark days. You will always have struggles in this life. You will always be fighting something. . .

But remember who you are fighting.

     You are not fighting the physical things of this world. You are at war against the prince of evil who wants to see you fall and lose this battle you are in right now. But take heart, dear child. For Christ has already won this battle. He has already begun preparing a place for you in His Kingdom. Everything that Satan throws at you is his last attempt at winning the battle all of heaven knows he has lost.

     With the Holy Spirit living inside of you, the sacrifice of Jesus behind you, and the God of angel armies going before you. . . You are equipped to face what Satan throws at you. Stay strong. Put on the armor of God. Chase the promises and truth of God. Surround yourself with believers who are strong in their faith and who can point you back to Christ. Hold onto the hope that someday all things will be as they were intended to be. Hold onto the hope that Christ reigns supreme and Satan will no longer have a foothold on you. One step at a time. One fight at a time. One prayer at a time.

Choose today to step out in faith over fear.

Let's do it together.

~ Sarah Joy

Who is God and what does that mean for me?

Hey all! Welcome back to my blog!

     I'm actually really excited to be writing tonight, and it makes my heart happy to sit down by my Christmas lights with quiet music playing to reflect on how far God has brought me the past few months. I have learned so many things, endured my fair share of hardships, and had to have some difficult correction. I'm genuinely smiling as I think about the truths and growth I'm about to share with ya'll. Buckle up, friends. I'm ready to tell you about how good God is right quick.
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     Right away this semester I knew God had something crazy awesome in store for me. I was coming into the semester as a new RA and part of my friend group had moved into another dorm. I had a vocal position on the Ozark worship team Frontline and I knew it would be lots of work but I was super ready to sing with a worship team again! I was starting to think about graduation and I knew that I would need to begin making some tentative future plans for the next year and making an idea of what my summer and final semester would look like next fall. I had lots on my plate, but I never expected things to go the way they did.
     It was only the first week when I was hit hard with some serious insecurities and lies. Being on campus a full week early to get the dorms ready and prep everyone's rooms and prepare the theme for the year was exhausting. I had a great team of RAs to work with, but each day I battled with lies of whether or not I was doing enough to help, if they even wanted me there, and if I was even going to be good at the job I had been chosen for. I felt very insecure and unsure of myself that first week. The only thing I knew I would be completely confident and bold in that week was moving everyone's heavy boxes and furniture up the stairs. (Working for a contractor all summer and driving big work trucks gives you a new level of confidence with heavy things you didn't have before.) That first week was a challenge, but it ended up trickling into the first 2-3 weeks of classes. I was so burnt out by the time week 2 finished that I felt done and scared and alone.
     I already wrote in my previous post about how I spent most of my time alone at the beginning of the semester because of schedules, but that time alone was so beneficial in the long run. I started to use that time to talk with God and spend more time with Him. I wanted to be as intentional in getting to know Him as I would in a future relationship- that was my main goal and it changed my relationship with Him entirely.
     Before 3 full weeks of classes had even been completed, I found myself really battling with lies and insecurity on Frontline. I didn't feel as though I fit in with anybody, I was struggling to find any joy in what I was usually so in love with, and I was dealing with so much fear that had come back into my life that I couldn't even make it through one day without breaking down in tears when I got back to my room. I had kept all the emotions, insecurities, fears, and lies bottled up in my mind for so long without sharing what I was going through that I crashed hard.
     One of my friends came into my room while I was crying and she sat with me and listened to my mumbled, tear-filled words as I expressed how afraid I was in life at that moment. I didn't feel good enough, I was terrified of losing people in my life I loved and cared about, and I felt frustrated with not experiencing the Holy Spirit the way some of my other friends did. What was I doing wrong that I couldn't feel the same way they did? I wanted to feel like God was sitting beside me when I prayed. . . Instead, He felt far away.
     My friend looked me right in the eyes and told me "Sarah. You're doing too much. You need to let something go and just rest. . ." I had let the business of life and the chaos of my commitments overwhelm me to the point where I couldn't even see the truth of God's Word anymore. When I would wake up feeling instantly fearful and go to bed trembling because of worry, I knew something had to be done.
     I have dealt with this on and off for 5 years and this was the time I knew I had to figure out what was going on and I was going to take steps to draw closer to God and walk past this terrible burden I had carried since my junior year of high school when anxiety first crept into the crevices of my life and took over my peace and confidence.
     Later that week I ended up stepping down from my position on Frontline and telling my team I wouldn't be able to continue being on the team with them. I cried, and I remember leaving the chapel after that practice and driving out in the countryside for an hour with my radio off talking to Jesus. I felt at peace, but still under attack. I made it back to the dorm and fell asleep curled up next to one of my friends while she did homework. I was just done and so weak emotionally and spiritually I needed rest unlike any other rest.
     Fast forward a few days to a Saturday evening when it was dark and there was a thunderstorm rolling in. Lots of people were out doing things, and I had gone into my room and closed the dorm, shut the lights off, and opened my window to hear the storm. It was completely quiet and still around me. I stood by the window for 45 minutes trying to quiet my thoughts and still my mind. It took 45 minutes for me to feel as though my thoughts weren't going crazy in my head. Finally, I sat down on the bed and looked at the pretty tree and the leaves blowing in the wind. There were stars starting to pop through the branches and the breeze felt so good. Every few minutes there would be thunder and maybe a tiny flash of lightning. I began to talk to God and open up completely about my feelings. . .
     I told Him I was frustrated that I was so afraid in life. I thought He gave me peace, and I thought Satan gave fear and anxiety? So if I was doing things that were to worship God and serve other people, why was I so afraid about everything to the point it paralyzed me? I sat there for so long talking to Him and crying. Finally, I felt this sense of peace, truth, and the chaos calmed down.
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     Fast forward 2 months and I have discovered that those 2 hours of intentional time with God brought me a major stepping stone to the journey of moving beyond living in the lies to living in the truth. God made sense of the chaos and gave me a new sense of who He is in my life. I began to seek Him on a whole new level and had a desire to grow in ways I never had before. My quiet time at night and in the morning turned into sweet time where it was just me and God and the distractions of the world were gone. I began to soak in His truth so that I could let it affect my life and my heart. I started to see how the promises in the Bible could change how I view myself and the future.
     Rather than focusing on the fear I wanted to overcome and dwelling on how upset I was that I didn't feel like I could live life normally because of fear. . . One of my best friends told me "Sarah, rather than focusing on where you are, focus on God and where you want to be." Within a week I noticed an incredible difference in the way I carried myself and how I let myself think. I had retrained my mindset to focus on God and what He said rather than on what Satan was trying to lead me astray with. Another one of my friends reminded me that the lies Satan uses are truths that are so subtly twisted that we barely realize they're lies before we let them into our hearts.
    In order to recognize if something is from God or from the enemy, we need to know the voice of truth for ourselves. I began reading the Bible and taking note of who God says He is and who He says I am. He is a promise keeper. He is in control. He does not keep any good thing from those who love Him. He is my protector. I can trust Him. He LOVES me. . . He LOVES me. . . I think that one was the most difficult for me to truly let change my heart. He LOVES me. . . If He loves me, then that means I'm worth loving and I need to see myself worthy of that. The insecurities slowly began to fade away as I targeted every single one with truth bombs. When I felt inadequate to be an RA for my floor He would remind me that He is with us wherever we go and I can do all things through His strength in me. When I felt afraid of what the future might hold He reminded me that He has already seen my future and He is molding me for it, preparing me for what is to come so that I am ready. This practice was difficult for me because I had to be completely honest with myself about how I was viewing God and my identity at the time, but now I can usually catch the lies before they're even a complete sentence in my mind. It's beautiful and I want everyone to be able to experience that.
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     Other truths I have learned involve what it looks like to trust God with our worries. If I am praying to God and asking Him to take care of something, help me through something, or provide for something. . . then when I pray I need to surrender it and stop thinking about it. If I trust God the way I say I do, then when I pray I believe God will do what He says He will. Prayer is handing off the problems and requests to God because He is God and we are not. He can handle it when we cannot. Isn't it freeing and encouraging to know we don't have to plan out our lives? We would make a mess of things, but God is a masterful artist who does not make anything less than wonderful. We can plan our days and long for the future, but God is the one who ultimately makes our plans a reality. We plan our way but He establishes our steps. . . What a promising verse!
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     This is a whole lot of rambling from my mind (Sorry- I'm sick and don't have a voice. . . so I'm making up for it with typing up everything I wasn't able to speak today)
     I mean what I say when I hope and pray that everyone I come into contact with is able to experience this same joy and freedom that comes from knowing who God is and then knowing who we are in Him. It changes your life and it brings you to a new level of trusting Him in your daily life and in the future plans you make for yourself.
     Obviously I'm not a perfect Christian and I will never claim to be, but I am so excited to continue to grow in this way. If I've learned all this in only 2 months, I can't wait to see what else He is going to teach me this semester.

~Sarah Joy

Why God Gave Me Alone Time

Hey all! Welcome back to my blog. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying the last few weeks of summer weather before fall sets in for good. I may be a little too excited for fall this year. . .
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   I wanted to share some thoughts with you this morning on being alone and making the best of loneliness. Now, I know what most of you are thinking and no, I am not about to write on how to survive being single. I mean how to handle being alone when everyone else around you seems to have other time commitments and you feel lonely without people around you. For those of you who know me, you know I am more of an extrovert and I love people. Most of the time you can find me in my room doing homework with at least one person sitting across the room doing their own studying. I don't need to talk to them at all, I just feel comforted knowing someone is close by.
   However, as you get farther in your college experience, people have other things they need to do and friends end up spending multiple hours and even a day or two before they can sit and talk with each other. For me, not talking is difficult. I say everything that comes to mind even if its completely dumb or if its super profound (lets be honest, that doesn't happen much. . . ha!)
   As I discovered within the first week of classes (I am just starting week 4) I will spend most of my afternoons alone while my friends are out doing various things when I have nothing else planned. At first this terrified me and I was really bitter about it. My friend Anna would come to my room before she left for work to tell me to find something fun to do so I wasn't so lonely while she was gone. 
   One afternoon she came and said she was going outside to just sit and enjoy the sunshine by herself. She had invited me, but I didn't want to go sit outside that day. If I'm being honest, I was feeling upset and didn't want to be around someone if there was a chance I might need to cry for a little bit. Finally she encouraged me to at least do something with my time alone so I could refresh my mind and relax a little. So that afternoon I took an hour to turn my phone completely off and sit and read a book that I loved (for fun, wow!) and just make the most of my time being by myself. Little did I know that hour would make a huge difference.
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   I began to learn something that day: If God has placed me (this crazy, sarcastic, and dorky extrovert who is loud and loves being around people) in a regular situation where I am not around others for a semester, there must be a purpose for it.
   Through this process of adapting to being on my own, I began to knock out one homework assignment after another, with a small break to play guitar and sing in between work. Sometimes I would listen to music on Spotify, and other days I would watch an episode on Netflix between different projects. Before too long I began to look forward to my afternoons where I was by myself.
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   Most people who have read my blog for the past few years know that I struggle with anxiety. It definitely comes and goes and I've been able to handle it pretty well, but every few months I'll go through a slightly anxiety-inducing situation and feel nervous or "off" for a few days, or a week or two. Well, last week I began to feel anxious and nervous again and of course I began to panic that it was coming back. I took time to sit down with some close friends and open up to them about potential reasons why I was nervous, and through those conversations I saw various obstacles that were holding me back from peace and comfort.
   I noticed that I had let my homework creep up on me and I was trying to do a few days worth of work in one afternoon because I thought I had more time to get away with putting it off. I was overthinking some friend situations that had no real threat to me. I wasn't feeling very good and I was letting that affect how much and how well I was eating. Finally, I was not spending good, healthy time with Jesus like I would normally do.
   In the craziness of moving back to school I had lost some of the vital time I spent with Him. I would still have some time before bed every night when I sat with Him and would pray, but I was missing those times throughout the day when I would simply talk to Him about what was on my mind and I wasn't remembering to look for Him in my daily life. When I realized a small way to move past each of those obstacles, and certain people talked with me about how some of my fears were unrealistic, and I made it a conscious decision to make sure I was involving God in my afternoons I began to see some changes.
   I want to encourage you with this: whatever situation you are placed in right now, whether that be constantly around people when you are craving to be alone in a dark room, or completely alone when all your heart longs for is a big group to talk with, God has placed you in that situation for a reason. Maybe He is trying to remind you that He has given you other people as a way to share in the joys of life or He wants to encourage you into pouring into the lives of others. If you're alone maybe God is reminding you that He is enough for you in those quiet moments. Or maybe, if you're like me, He was forcing you to slow down and be okay with not running all over the place every day and to sit and take in all the stillness of life while it is here and available.
   God is so good, and who are we to question the way He provides and guides us? Trust is not something that comes easy to me, but there were times I would audibly have to tell God (more of in a confession way so I could remind myself) that I trusted God in whatever He was doing. Out of that came some of the greatest gifts to begin this semester with and I am so thankful for that.
   When we are in a place where we are struggling to be okay with where He has placed us, look around and try to examine what He wants you to learn from the place you are in. Maybe you're like me and God needed to use a big obstacle to get your attention because you're stubborn and don't like to do things for yourself very often. Whatever it may be, listen to Him and trust that He knows what is best for you and will bring you exactly what you need in the right moment. He will always go beyond your expectations when you give Him full control.
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Rest in that this afternoon. . .

~Sarah Joy

Does God Really Care?

Hey all!

     I just spent the past week at a Bible and Missionary conference in Okoboji, Iowa with my family before I came back to Missouri for my senior year of college at Ozark. There were so many amazing speakers and the worship was beautiful and powerful. I did end up leaving a day early so I could drive back to school, but the sermons and worship I did hear really spoke to my heart.
     There was so much that I took away from all of the messages, but one in particular really stood out to me. Wanda Walborn was the speaker on Tuesday evening and she centered her message on prayer. I wanted to share some thoughts on that message with you.
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     So many times in our lives we ask God for these big things and we grow discouraged when He doesn't seem to listen to them. Other times we forget about our prayer requests altogether and still end up frustrated that we never received what we initially prayed for.
     In addition to this, our big requests that we have often will affect no one's lives but our own. This makes our requests to God selfish and one might even say pointless. We have the God of the universe readily available to listen to our hearts and hear our desires and thoughts, but when we treat Him as if He is a vending machine for whatever our hearts desire we are missing the point.
     What about when we pray a large prayer that isn't selfish and is for the wellbeing of other people? What are we supposed to think or how are we to respond when we ask God to heal a family member from their terminal cancer and they end up passing away? What are we supposed to do when the church goes through financial struggles and the building is closed down even though we prayed about it the other night?
     God is present in all these situations. He is always with us, in the good and the bad. But what so many people (including myself) seem to forget, is that God desires to hear from us continuously. We will not bore God with our requests and we will never overwhelm Him when we open up to Him with our burdens and pains. He wants it all: both the beautiful and the ugly.
     God can answer prayers we didn't even know we needed answered, and He can answer prayers that we have prayed over everyday multiple times. Wanda shared a story about her daughter and her strong desire for some new clothes for school, but they didn't have the money to provide her with new clothes like she wanted. However, Wanda wanted to teach her daughter the importance of prayer and how powerful God is. She wanted her daughter to see that God cares about the little things too. So they prayed together everyday that God would provide her with her school clothes. After a while Wanda began to wonder if this was a silly prayer request and would think to herself "Ok, God. . . Anytime now. . ."
     After a month or so of praying everyday for these school clothes someone asked if her daughter could use some clothes for school. They had multiple bags worth of hand-me-downs and wanted to give them to someone who needed them. While opening up all the bags with her daughter, suddenly she gasped and pulled out something special. Her dauhter picked it up and held it up to herself as she twirled across the floor. She said to her, "Mama, God did it!"
     God had provided Wanda's daughter with her school clothes, but little did she know that her daughter was also praying for a very specific dress within her own prayers as well. While some may see this as a minor thing, it showed both Wanda and her daughter that God cares about the little things and wants to give us those things we ask for.
     Wanda made an amazing point after telling this story: she mentioned how people forget about their prayers or don't have faith that God will really answer them. Now, we are not God and we do not decide what God will do as a result of our prayers, but Wanda wanted to make sure we understand what we can do.
     When we pray for God to take away our pain, or to heal our sicknesses that so severely disrupt our lives, sometimes it can seem as through He isn't listening to us or He won't answer our prayers.
     "We ask God to take away our pain and suffering, and when He doesn't take it away, we begin to question if He hears us or loves us. . . Jesus asked God to make another way so he wouldn't have to die, but through His death God brought all the freedom and opportunity to live an eternal life in Heaven."
     You see, what Wanda wanted to point out through her message was that God hears every little detail of our prayers. He wants to give us what is best for us, but we are sinful and imperfect beings. We don't always know what we need, but He does. Jesus may have prayed that there was another way for Him to bring salvation to the people, but God knew it had to be done this way. Yet, through the death he suffered he experienced a new life with us, one that he could not have had if the barrier between God and man was not filled.
     When we pray for something, keep praying. "For God-sized outcomes we need to pray God-sized prayers." If you are serious about what you are asking God, pray continuously. Set a reminder on your phone. Pray for all the little details. God loves them all. He wants to hear from you.
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     After hearing Wanda speak on prayer that night, I set a reminder on my phone for 8:00 every night where I intentionally pray about a specific request that I had lost sight of over the summer. I have big dreams and hopes for my ministry and life within the next few years and I want to be able to take that to God over and over, knowing that He will do whats best and listen to my every word.
     What is a prayer that you have given up on that you want to begin to pray for again? I challenge you to surrender it to God once more and set that reminder on your phone. . .


~Sarah Joy

Is It That Time Already?

Hey all!

   I'm so glad to be back writing to you tonight! I am so excited to begin a new chapter of my life this week. Today I took my last final of junior year at Ozark and I am preparing for the 6 hour travel back home this weekend for the summer. It has been quite the year and I'm not gonna lie, one of the hardest years I've endured, but God is good and I have continued to grow despite the hardships.
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   Last semester began with many crazy twists on how I had imagined and expected my junior year to go. I had to learn what it truly means to be content in my relationship with God and to lean into what trusting Him really looks like. I definitely don't have this completely down, but I'm trying more and more each day. He has been beside me every step of the way, from sudden injuries and sicknesses, difficult job situations, and emotional and spiritual frustrations.
   Throughout last semester I learned a great deal about trust in God and in people. I have learned what it looks like to have a solid group of friends around me to encourage me in my faith but who will also call me out and redirect me to where I need to go. More importantly, they walk alongside of me while I figure out what to do and how to grow in those areas.
   Last semester may have been one of the most difficult, but it made way for a great semester this spring! I was amazed at the many fabulous friendships that God brought to my life. My hilarious new friends Seth, Tyler and Devin have really stepped up to the plate and accepted me with my flaws, but they have also shown me how I deserve to be treated as a young woman and what healthy friendships with guys look like and how much of a blessing they are. They have brought me into their lives and given me friendships that I will cherish forever. Each one is different but each of them has a special place in my heart. They make being away from both my brothers at home a little easier and make Ozark feel even more like home.
   This semester I made a new friend, Elle, and she has brought so much joy to my life in many ways. This girl is strong, and I am inspired by her in countless areas. The way she has pushed through a hard semester by being in a room her own floor away from us and still taken care of all the girls here on 2nd floor makes my heart happy. She loves unconditionally and knowns how to bring a room into worship. We have decided we are so much alike its almost too much to handle. These fantastic humans among my others friends at Ozark are the best and I love them.
   I can't believe all the amazing ways God has provided for me this semester. He has given me a fun job working as a teacher's assistant for the Psychology program, babysitting opportunities, and a chance to clean a house for an older man who struggles to take care of himself. I never would have seen myself in this place a year ago, but that's the beauty of God's plan for us- it's better than we imagined.
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   But let me be real with ya'll for a second. I'm scared to go home for the summer. I love my family and my hometown and I'm excited to experience everything that will happen over the next 3 months, but with that excitement comes fears of the unknowns and having to adjust to an entirely new environment again. Last summer was a totally different situation and this summer I am heading into break head first with complete uncertainty of what will happen.
   I am ready to be back with my worship team at church and lead on Sunday mornings with them again, but I am also sad to leave my church here in Missouri. I have grown to love it more and more each week. Thank goodness they have started to livestream their services so that I can continue to be a part of the worship at Christ's Church of Oronogo from 400 miles away. Having 2 churches hold my heart makes for difficult moments when I cannot be at both.
   Being away from friends you have known most of your life is hard, even when you have multiple friends at college to help you survive life. Even so, it is good to be home and to catch up with old friends, family members, and people I enjoy spending time with. Each semester my friends have changed, adapted, and multiplied. Leaving them again after growing in our love for the Lord and each other breaks my heart. The past 2 weeks I have treated the words "moving home, graduation, and summer" as if they were a cuss word. I got upset whenever someone mentioned them and covered my ears. I am nervous to leave everything I know here. I'm so scared.
   I have a great full time job lined up at home! I'll be painting buildings, homes, and doing other outside work, and spending those hours with people I love being around. I'm so excited for this new work experience. But it will be hard work and I will be sore and exhausted many days. With that being said I am ready to see how my work ethic continues to increase over these months. God provided this job for me- that I am 100% sure of. I am so thankful for the chance to put myself through my last 3 semesters of college.
   I will be able to return to the Bible conference in August once again and I will never get tired of that. In addition to that, I also have the chance to travel across the country for my cousin's wedding with my family. We are making it a week long trip and I'm definitely ready for everything that will happen on this small vacation.
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   As I sit here and type my thoughts out for a blog post, I am reflecting on how scared I was last semester for what was ahead in the school year. While I felt I had reasons to be upset and scared, I didn't. God was in control and was opening doors for things that would change my life, capture my heart, and grow me as a person. When God closes one door it is to walk us through another door that is even better. That is where this concept of trust comes from: even when we want to hold onto the past, we must give it to God to be able to receive what He wants to give us in the future.
   Each of these areas that I am nervous and afraid for this summer are already covered in prayer by my friends and taken care of by God. The areas that Satan wants to surround me in fear with are the areas that God wants to strengthen me and show me that this summer belongs to Him.
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   With that being said, I am very anxious and ready to return to school in the fall and I haven't even moved out of my dorm yet! 
   When I return in the fall I will be moving in early as an RA for my dorm. This is an opportunity that I am so blessed and thankful to serve in. I have been praying about this the entire year and when I got the news that the position had been given to me I was overjoyed and thrilled. It will be a challenge at some points, but I feel God holding my hand as I go through training and prepare to be in this new role on my beloved Dennis 2nd.
   I will also be a vocalist on our one of Ozark's Frontline worship teams. I have spent the last year sitting in the seats of the chapel watching the teams lead us, and this year I was ready to walk back up onto the stage and lead worship with other students again. Leading worship is one thing my heart and soul have been craving and I am very excited to be able to do this all of next year! Anyone who leads worship knows there can be an overwhelming feeling where you feel the Spirit take over if you allow him. Being able to observe the congregation worship is something that gives me chills and reminds me of how good God truly is. I joke about needing 2 seats to worship freely in chapel, and now I have an entire stage to dance and worship on. Having other friends on the other 2 teams brings me a joy I cannot explain.
   The classes I am taking next semester will be hard, but I am up for the challenge. I'm blessed with having Tuesday and Thursday free from classes, but the other 3 days of the week I will be in a preaching class, a world religions class, and a philosophy class. I also have 2 online classes covering the book of Psalms and a science class. While I won't be a lifegroup leader next year, it will be a new experience to have a mentor group next year to be a part of.
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   Why do I tell you all of these things tonight? I want to remind you that, whatever you are facing this summer, God is already in control and nothing will surprise Him. He knows exactly what you need to be prepared and He has placed you in a position He knows you are ready for.
   Whether you are terrified or thrilled for summer break and all that is to come with that, I pray that you remember where to keep your focus and who deserves all the praise and attention this summer. We will begin to lose sight of what really matters and fall into old habits when we are not placing God at the center.
   The thing I am most excited for this summer is to visit with my friends across the country about our faith. We will be keeping each other accountable as we grow in our relationships with the Lord through Bible studies over video chat.
   Where there are difficulties there is a chance for incredible growth. I hope you are walking into summer with this same perspective. . .

~Sarah Joy

I Don't Really Do New Year's Resolutions

Hey all!

     So many people have been posting their New Year's Resolutions on social media the past few weeks, and I have to admit- I have loved some and been annoyed by others. There are certain things in life where you can tell when someone is being genuine in what they say and commit to, and other times you can tell that people are only going through the motions without the commitment. Resolutions are one of those things I don't have overly strong convictions about. Yes, I think it is awesome to commit to being a better person in the Near Year, and yes, I think it is awesome to strive for new things we may not have had the courage to do the year before. However, why wait till January 1st to change and better ourselves? Why has society made Monday and New Years the "restart" moments for our lives?

     Scripture tells us that the mercies of God are new everyday. Why can't we see our lives in the same light? Why must we wait to hit the reset button until a certain day of the week or year? Things will always go wrong, we will always be discouraged by things we do or didn't do, said or didn't say, and struggle with not feeling our best. It is because of this that I don't see New Years as a way to start over and hope for the best. Rather I see New Years as a reminder that God has washed us clean by the washing of His son. . . and guess what, I doubt that event happened on a Monday or January 1st.

     I am in a place where I am striving to grow and change to be more like Christ everyday. If I didn't see this as a daily challenge to myself then I would constantly give up and wait around until the next week, continuing down the constant cycle of trying to be the best, not meeting my unrealistic expectations, and giving up until the next moment of motivation.

     With that being said, I challenge you to view your New Year's Resolutions as something that you do not "fail" when you don't quite meet your expectations. Rather choose to view them as a constant decision to be the best individual you can be. God doesn't ask us to be perfect, nor do the people in our lives who love us and want the best for us. Trying our best and being perfect are two completely different goals, and honestly one of them is unrealistic. I will let you make that decision for yourself on which is which.

     There is something beautiful about committing to something that will make you a better person and relying on God to help us hold to our commitments. Don't go into a challenge on your own. God is right there and wants to be a part of your journey. Want to know what I have found in life? (If you don't, sorry, I'm gonna say it anyways.) Whether it be a challenge for myself, making a big decision, or trying to continue on when life is hard, When I try to do something without God I am walking down the path to failure. I cannot win at life without God. Period. When He is a part of my life in all the little details, my life will reflect that and I will be living a life He is guiding me through. In life you are either walking to success or walking to failure. You are either walking with God or without Him.

     This is your decision to make. Surrendering your life to Christ is not a one and done event. We choose daily to surrender our lives to Him and admit to Him that we cannot do life without Him. There is more to being a Christian than weekly church services, being nice, not using foul language, and avoiding those "sinful" places that people try to shove under the rug. Being a Christian is a relationship with the God of the universe. It's like a relationship between a man and a woman: without continued work and effort it will crumble and grow weak. When we strive to grow closer and closer with God our relationship with Him continues to grow deeper, stronger, and more beautiful.

     I encourage you to think of your New Year's Resolutions in a bit of a different light after reading this. Don't think of it as a single chance to change something you dislike about yourself. Think of a resolution as another opportunity to surrender our own efforts to God and ask Him to come into our situation and give us strength, perseverance and patience to reach our goals.

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     Rather than doing New Year's Resolutions I pray and reflect on what word for the next few months I need to mold my life around and work towards. Last spring my word was patience. I am someone who really struggles with waiting on things, especially when I don't know what the future holds. I want to know what to expect now so I can plan for it and not be afraid or surprised. Last semester my word was trust. Things happened one after the other that I didn't understand, but I wanted to trust God that He had a plan and He was doing all this to protect me from whatever it was I couldn't see and prepare me for the future that I am patiently waiting for. My words overtime have began to come together and mold for a greater purpose and I love that.

     For this semester, Spring 2019, I have chosen a word that really speaks to my heart right now and I honestly find difficult to comprehend at this point in my life but I know God gave it to me. Contentment. There are always things I want to do differently. There are always things I wish would happen now rather than later. There are always things I think I could do now but in reality I am not ready for. I need to look at my current place in life as a battle ground to fill my soul with His Word and truth. God knows what I need and what I can handle. I am in a time of preparation for whatever He has in store for my future. I also need to view my current place in life as a time to grow and encourage others who are where I have been in the past and who are also in the same place as me. I may see things come to be that I hope for and I may never experience certain dreams. Regardless of what my future holds, I want to trust God that my patience throughout this time of learning to be content will be worth it and His plan will be greater than I could ever have imagined.

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     Never be afraid to challenge yourself, but please, dear friend. . . Please give yourself grace and look at yourself through the eyes of Christ. He does not see you as a failure, He sees you as a child who gets up when they fall and tries again. Remember, when we bring God into those small areas of our lives things change and our lives reflect Him. So this year I challenge you to challenge yourself with realistic goals for yourselves that will draw you closer to God and encourage you into your identity in Christ. You are not a failure, you are a work of art that God is constantly working on. He is not done with you yet. Don't give up, keep working on yourself in the same way.
     Even when you miss a step along the way, choose to get up and smile. Some of the best road trips happen when you have unexpected detours.

Happy 2019, my friend. Here's to a life filled with joy and growth. You can do it.

-Sarah Joy

When You Don't Know How To Trust

Hey all!

     Finals week is quickly approaching and I am almost finished with my 3rd semester here at Ozark. It has been a crazy semester and a crazy beginning to my 3rd year of college and I cannot believe it is almost finished already! I am sitting here on the floor of my dorm room listening to some of the worship songs that have given me hope and strength throughout the past few months, and I began to think about what trusting God feels like to me right now.
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     To be honest, I'm not sure what trusting God looks like for me right now. I've gone back and forth on feeling as though I was thriving with God and feeling empowered by Him and completely satisfied with Him. Other times I feel less than fulfilled and as though He is far away. To be honest, I am somewhere in the middle right now. . .
     I know God is here, and I know God is all powerful and promises to work all things for His good, but I struggle to accept that when things seem less than that. Tonight as I sit here I am having a difficult time truly understanding so many things.
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     The song "While I Wait" by Lincoln Brewster is playing right now. This song was sent to me a few weeks into the semester for hope and encouragement by someone I admire a great deal, and it reminds me of what trusting God can be for me.
     Trusting God doesn't mean that the confusion and questions disappear  Rather, it means that through all of that I will look to God and remember He has a plan. We as humans may not be able to know what God has planned, and what happens has happened and we cannot change that. We must accept it. I like to tell myself "Life happens. How are you going to respond?"
     As I think about that I wonder how I can even fathom that God's plan is so much better than what looked completely perfect and complete in my own eyes. I am in awe that God's plan is so good I cannot even imagine what it is. This is so difficult for me at the same time and I have struggled with this over and over throughout my life.
     I am someone who likes to either be in control or know what is going to happen. When I am caught off guard in life I am thrown for a loop and can feel as though I have lost my balance. This semester has been a constant back and forth of being tossed around and trying to hold onto God for balance and strength. God has us go through what we do to shape us and grow us into who He created us to be. Someone told me a few weeks ago, "God is preparing you for something great. You must have strong, strong roots!" It is through that process that I am able to trust Him even without feeling like I am.
     God does not promise that our lives will be easy, but He promises to be with us. . . This reminder calms my heart at night when I sit alone in my room and contemplate where He has placed me right now. There has been moments I've cried out to God and simply asked Him to wrap His arms around me and to give me a sense that He is here with me.
     This reminds me of what faith looks like. It seems impossible for me to feel as though God is wrapping me in His arms, yet I still ask Him to. . . What does this say about trust? Even when I feel as though I cannot give my plans for my life over to God, a part of me already has. Its the same with worship. When I struggle to surrender my pains and worries to God, I am still able to raise my hands in song and praise Him because He is good.
     I cannot understand how a life without God could hold any peace or comfort at all. It may not always seem as though God is close by, that His plan is going to be good, or that He can truly make all things work together for good. . . (Romans 8:28) but even in the midst of the darkness a piece of our soul still knows that God is who He says He is and we long for Him in our lives.
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     Thinking about all of this leads me to the gospels where Jesus was crucified  Everything seemed finished. Darkness had won. Jesus was dead. The hope that the people had disappeared and everything was over. But then Jesus came out of that grave! Right at the moment when the darkness seemed to have overcome the light, Jesus overcame it and brought ultimate hope to the world and delivered us out of the darkness.
     Proverbs 3:5 talks about trusting in God and not leaning on our own understanding. Until now I never truly understood what this verse meant, but as I think about it right now I see the meaning. I can't seem to understand how God can transform my own plan for my life into something so good that my "perfect" future isn't good enough. . . I am leaning on my understanding of my life and what God has planned for me. I cannot understand. My understanding of this will lead me astray, but trusting in God even when things seem confusing is where I will eventually find understanding and truth in God Himself.
     When I look at Joshua 1:9 I see the truth of God's presence. The entire idea of God being with me should be enough that I don't even need to try to understand what God's plan is for my future or in the present moment. I should not fear, but rather I need to take courage because He is here and He is good.
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     I am staying in Missouri over Christmas break and the entire process of making this decision was an act of trust. Already within the past 2 days I have seen ways God was working through this. My means of staying in town over break were not by coincidence. It took less than a day for everything to fall into place. Now, I am still understanding more and more what good things are coming from me staying here.
     Originally my intentions for staying in town were for my own gain, and now I am seeing how God knew this was what I needed. I will be able to go home for Christmas Day, but be able to remain in Missouri for the remainder of break and thrive from so many incredible opportunities God has given me. The opportunities only continue to appear throughout the next few months. What amazes me is that God was working in my life before I even knew I needed a new plan. He is GOOD.
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     I only have 1 question to close this out. Has God ever failed us before? Then why should we think that His plan isn't as good as what we had planned? Why should we think that He will not fulfill His promise for us?

~Sarah